Someone smart please fix my creative?? (1 Viewer)

[lost1]

Hello

I'm doing Standard English(and struggling by the way ) and I was wondering if anyone here could help me out with my short story. I have got it marked from my english teacher and the feedback was what I was kind of expecting:

I have somewhat gone a 'bit over the top' in places but the main point of improvement was that 'It lacks a narrative compulsion. It drifts along, rather than interest the reader or compelling them to read on...' and that the story does not really lead anywhere and the end is very predictable. She suggested to maybe have a slight twist towards the end and incorporate some kind of motif but i'v got no freakin idea!!!!

Please help me make something out of this short story...I'm basically aiming for at least a 10/15.

thanks

 

[lost1]

?? come on people 8 views of the attachment and 0 replies...anyone have any comment/advise?

 

[Ms. BRIGHTSIDE]

You could change the Jess chick to a dog and only reveal it at the end. Teachers eat that shit up.

 

[Mind-Revolution]

Hello

I'm doing Standard English(and struggling by the way ) and I was wondering if anyone here could help me out with my short story. I have got it marked from my english teacher and the feedback was what I was kind of expecting:

I have somewhat gone a 'bit over the top' in places but the main point of improvement was that 'It lacks a narrative compulsion. It drifts along, rather than interest the reader or compelling them to read on...' and that the story does not really lead anywhere and the end is very predictable. She suggested to maybe have a slight twist towards the end and incorporate some kind of motif but i'v got no freakin idea!!!!

Please help me make something out of this short story...I'm basically aiming for at least a 10/15.

thanks

Firstly - don't aim for 10 / 15 minimum, trust me, this is one of the easiest sections.

Secondly, ignore the statement it goes nowhere... you only need to show some type of change / obstacle within the piece.

I only browsed the piece, and from what I see, the slightly melodramatic tone of the character and the drinking is a bit overdone.

Perhaps, shift to some other type of idea, one you may think ridiculous.

Take risks, perhaps write on an aspect of human nature not focused on very much / events most consider meaningless.

As long as it provokes the reader with a well written and developed idea, you will be fine. Personally, I've written a piece not too original of a persona alternating between their natural self and a heightened sense of self (being their ego). Result - 90%+.

You may take it as bragging and such, but truly, this section allows for alot more versatility.

 

[alex.leon]

I thought your descriptive writing was very good!
I read the whole thing but even in the first two paragraphs i could see what your teacher was saying. I think it's because you're using too many dramatic cliches. I've bolded some below.

The Sky had filled with the mess of clouds, rolls of grey tripping over one another. I had arranged for her to meet me here but now I was sitting, motionless, not saying a word. She too was silent. I began to drift into nostalgia, reflecting on what we had, what I still have, but what she does not want. I remember the walks we had down this very creek; it seemed so long ago. I would stare at her beautiful blue eyes in the benevolence of the night sky. Watching the swollen creek, I remember those times…oh how miss those times.


I didn’t know why or how we became so apart. How my perfect relationship had departed so far. Here, now in the darkness of the night, we didn't hold hands, but I felt so close as though I had. Felt closer then I have in a very long time. We have been through the good, the bad and the ugly; it had been a journey in itself. But I’ve never imagined a time like this, where the only thing that mattered to me will be lost.


Anyway I think it just needs something exciting to add a bit of colour. And any idea that we give you won't be as good as an idea you cook up yourself. So just braindump as many ideas as you can! Besides all the cliches its really, really good!!!

 

[kirschxD]

It sounds like an over-extended soliliquy. When I read just a few sentences of each paragraph it seems to drag on about the protagonist's thoughts. It should be "creative" rather than "descriptive".

I know it is good to use imagery sometimes but you seem to have used too many adjectives causing the reader to have too many thoughts and therefore not attracting the reader.

You need a complication, an objective and solution to properly costruct a story. Your language is pretty good, but just make sure you're not writing an over-extended soliliquy and write an actual story. Keep up the good work!

 

[-tal-]

Hello

I'm doing Standard English(and struggling by the way ) and I was wondering if anyone here could help me out with my short story. I have got it marked from my english teacher and the feedback was what I was kind of expecting:

I have somewhat gone a 'bit over the top' in places but the main point of improvement was that 'It lacks a narrative compulsion. It drifts along, rather than interest the reader or compelling them to read on...' and that the story does not really lead anywhere and the end is very predictable. She suggested to maybe have a slight twist towards the end and incorporate some kind of motif but i'v got no freakin idea!!!!

Please help me make something out of this short story...I'm basically aiming for at least a 10/15.

thanks

Mix up the language a little. I remember seeing lots of "slowly" and "nothing". Try to get out of the he said, she said formula. More action could be used to cut that out. Concision could also be improved on here.

eg instead of [FONT=&quot]“When was the last time we went for those walks James?” she asked without hesitation.[/FONT]

You could rewrite it like this:
"When was the last time we went for those walks, James?" she focused her gaze, scrutinising my eyes. I knew it sounded threatening - only because she intended it to be.
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
Why did I rewrite it like this? Because it adds more to the atmosphere, the audience feels her iciness - it engages the audience. And it shows that James actually does love his gf. It's subtle, but he knows her well.

More showing needed. "Here, now in the darkness of the night, we didn't hold hands, but I felt so close as though I had. Felt closer then I have in a very long time" This is telling.

Paragraphing could also help make the repetition more effective. The repetition - tone it down a little. Truncated sentences are very effective, overusing them makes it lose its impact after the first 4 paragraphs. ie vary your sentence lengths. eg this "As if they were the wind blowing that last lit candle inside of me, I felt unworthy of her, unworthy of happiness." I take issue with. Try to cut down using the same adjective twice in the one sentence. I know it's your style and I don't aim to tell you to fix it. What I'm trying to say is that you could tone it down.

It reads like a vignette - not a story. Yeah, sure, you have a complication, but the problem is: there's no evaluation and no resolution. What does James get out of the break up? What changes besides his marital status? And what exactly did he learn from the break up (if anything)? How did he change? And show us what/how he changed. You can't give me this: "Somehow her words changed me. As if they were the wind blowing that last lit candle inside of me, I felt unworthy of her, unworthy of happiness." And expect me to know. Yeah ok, he doesn't feel good enough for her, but hasn't he always?

You need a character. I know only 2 things about James: he wants his gf back ad he was an alcoholic. He needs more of a presence. What's he like as a person? Arrogant? Quiet? Cheeky?

You've used first person. You could give the audience the opportunity to read about his actual thoughts and opinions, rather than his feelings. Give us something to go on - make James an interesting person.

 

[-tal-]

This is the attachment that I did some minor editing to. I re-paragraphed it as well. Didn't really want to do any wording changes, but hell, a fair bit needs to be changed.

 

[lost1]

Thanks for all the comments you guys!! Really appreciate it...
I'll try and change it up a bit and post an edited copy soon.

Just quickly tal, what do you mean by:

More showing needed. "Here, now in the darkness of the night, we didn't hold hands, but I felt so close as though I had. Felt closer then I have in a very long time" This is telling.

Sorry if i'm sounding stupid...damn iv got so much to fix up and i really don't want to start a new story.

Anyways, if i was to write something like this, in its current state, for the exam what kind of marks will I be looking at?

 

[kirschxD]

You'd be marked on mainly technique and structure. It just needs fixing up in places, a few more adjustments. Don't make the protagonist tell the story, YOU should be telling the story and create the environment/atmosphere. Everything he says are supposedly his thoughts. Thats what I meant by the "over-extended soliliquy" cos it's all about his thoughts.

 

[Forbidden.]

What the hell is the question?

 

[-tal-]

Thanks for all the comments you guys!! Really appreciate it...
I'll try and change it up a bit and post an edited copy soon.

Just quickly tal, what do you mean by:



Sorry if i'm sounding stupid...damn iv got so much to fix up and i really don't want to start a new story.

Anyways, if i was to write something like this, in its current state, for the exam what kind of marks will I be looking at?

I meant it to mean that you're telling me what James felt. You're telling me he felt close. How on earth did he feel it? Part of the purpose of picking that sentence was because it's fairly pedestrian - the "I felt this, I felt that" thing was boring me.

I avoided doing an example coz it's a touchy part of the story (I hate writing touchy feely parts), but here goes:

The wilting night shone as she made her entrance, it always seemed to. Her presence warmed me.

It’s strange how much the mind can forget – I surely hadn’t forgotten that she was a beautiful woman, but here before me was a living reminder of why I needed her in the first place. Her mere aura was breathtaking.


Get what I'm trying to get you to fix?

 

[-tal-]

If you wrote what you did in the exam, I think you would be looking at about a 9-10/15