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Story.. Constructive Feedback? (1 Viewer)

Pump4393

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Port Antonio, Jamaica. 22/02/08

The white sheet of ocean spray burst up from the coral rock, remained suspended for a short second, dazzling blue highlighted by the sparkling morning sun, then rushed back down to become one with the ocean again.
Eddie Guevara calmly waited at the end of the jetty, waited for the boat that was due at 7:39am. He looked at his watch. 7:32.
“Hurry up seniór.” He said softly to himself.
Moments later he spotted a dark figure speeding towards him from the horizon, skipping on the waves sending the blue spray in every which way.
“Mr Guevara” Came a deep, slow voice from behind.
The Spanish drug lord turned, to see the scarred face of his right hand man, Fernando.
“Are you sure you want to go through with this” Said Fernando
“Fernando, if i didn’t want to do it, do you really think i would be standing here?”
“Well no, but you know how risky this is..”
Im well prepared to take a few risks, calm down, theyre almost here”
The whine of the motor could be heard getting louder and within a minute the speed boat had pulled up to the jetty. No movement could be seen from within the small confines of the cabin. Eddie did not want to be seen as weak, so he flicked his jacket back and put his hands in his pockets, revealing the .55 pistol in his belt.
“Colonel Castro!” He shouted “Come out of the boat and we shall talk”
Still nothing from the Cuban boat.
“Come out here or we’ll have no choice but to board you!” Snarled Eddie
“Uhh boss..” said Fernando unsteadily “I think we might have a problem”
Eddie turned around to see what Fernando wanted, and as he saw what was at the end of the jetty he simultaneously grabbed his gun.
“We’ve been set up Fernando, can you drive?”
You know I can” Came the reply.
With a smirk he jumped from the jetty and landed like a cat onto the bow of the boat, moving swiftly to the door of the cabin he kicked it down. Inside he saw a young Cuban man, who looked in his young twenties. Sensing extreme danger, the man put his hands up, his eyes going from Eddie to Fernando, who had just caught up.
Eddie moved to the man, grabbed him by the collar and put the gun to his head.
“ Who are you working for!” He said loudly, but calmly, into the man’s face.
“Me work for Colonel Castro. Me want no trouble. I drive boat because my family threatened” the man spluttered in what little English he knew, looking at the gun pointing at him.
Eddie threw the man to the ground and made room for Fernando to get into the driver’s seat, when he saw the throttle pushed down and felt movement he went outside onto the deck to defend the boat.
As soon as he got out into the open air he was in danger. Bullets whizzed past his body and head and would of hit him if he didn’t drop behind a small box containing the anchor and life jackets. He reloaded his .55 and when there was a decrease in the number of incoming bullets he popped his head out and assessed his situation. Five gunmen. Two with automatic rifles, three with pistols. Not good.
He slumped back behind the box and heard the onslaught of bullets driving into the boat. When they stopped again he burst out of his hiding place and let loose with is pistol. One man was killed instantly, the other was hit in the leg, stumbled over the side of the jetty and met his fate with the razor-sharp, knife edged coral. Eddie ducked behind his cover again and looked in disgust at the man in the water screaming as the coral gouged flesh out of him with no remorse. The water had taken on a deep maroon colour, no longer its original blue. He jumped up from cover and let of three more rounds. The jetty was awash with blood. He slowly walked back into the cabin and grabbed the Cuban man.
“What the hell just happened!” He spat into his face.
“Me only know that Colonel Castro said that i was to bring the body of Eddie Guevara to him in Cuba” said the man feebly
He threw the Cuban to the floor and looked at the man driving.
“Fernando, set course for Cuba”

Havana, Cuba. 23/02/08.

Eddie Guevara was not a man of pity. He was not a man of faith. He trusted no one and killed anyone. Which is why the young Cuban mans family never saw him again.
The two Spanish men walked through the dirty yet thriving city of Havana, looking in disgust at the men and woman who had let drugs ruin their lives. Men limping up to them, begging for money or anything that could be spared. The only thing Eddie spared was a stare down and the words “consiga ausente escoria”. Translated; get away from me scum. They were in Havana for one reason; to kill Colonel Castro.
The drug lord and his right hand man were as quiet as the night as they snuck into the Cubans warehouse. Completely silent, like ninjas, they took out the front guards. They were found the next morning with snapped necks.
Each room they came across was searched, anybody in the room was killed. They knew they were getting closer to the Colonel, they could tell. Finally they came to the end of a hallway. There was one door, this had to be it. He loaded his .55 and took a deep breath.
The fat Colonel was sitting with 2 associates, talking about business, when suddenly two armed men stormed his room. His first instinct was to grab his gun, which was on the carved wooden coffee table in front of him. His hand shot out, but before he could grab anything a bullet pierced through his shoulder. Searing pain shot through his whole body, he collapsed to the floor bleeding profusely. He looked up out of pain filled eyes and saw the man who he had ordered to be killed only the day before.
“Eddie Guavara..”he said softly
“You made a mistake Colonel,” said Eddie, cocking his gun. “We could have settled this like men”
“You kill me and you’ve made a big mistake” said the Colonel, with a fire in his eyes.
“I’m willing to make a mistake”
 

x jiim

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So far, I'd say your main problem is mistakes with grammar and punctuation, "i" instead of "I", "Im" instead of "I'm", "would of" instead of "would have" and so on. I'd also suggest sticking to things that you have experiences with, lame and cliched though it seems, as it would make your story more believable as well as helping the reader to empathise with the characters.
 

jonjoony

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Nice Work dude. But if this is for school cert remember you have a short period of time to construct a story like that. But overall i enjoyed it real good. Just wondering tho when you put a 2 in the story is it better to write two or not?
 

Pump4393

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Yeah i know its long, but im a really quick writer. and its better to write two, i make simple mistakes :S
 

jonjoony

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Then you should be set unlike me. Fingers cross for something easy tomrrow
 

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