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Structure (1 Viewer)

Venetiad

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Hey guys, I just wanted to ask If you thought that this structure extended for another few paragraphs would be adequate for a decent mark. If you feel the urge to, provide feedback, or furthermore you could give me a score.

Ted Hughes’ text, Fulbright Scholars, is a prime example of a poem which shows the perspective of it’s author manipulated by the public. Fulbright Scholars is a poem which, to some extent, recounts the event in which Ted Hughes first saw Sylvia Plath, in a picture. Ted Hughes used Fulbright Scholars to show his distorted perception of the event. It has been distorted by the public’s attack on Ted Hughes’ character, that of a womaniser and fiend, which Ted Hughes try to downplay in Fulbright Scholars. Ted Hughes uses a wealth of techniques to position his perspective of the event in a way that the public may find him a little more acceptable. One such technique is Low Modality, which is used in the line “For some reason I noticed it.” In this line, Hughes uses Low Modality in these lines to distort his perspective of the event, thereby being able to avoid having his womanising behaviour brought up in his poem. Hughes also uses High Modality, a clear contrast to the previous use of Low Modality. His use of High Modality is in the lines “No doubt I scanned particularly / The girls.”. In this line, Hughes manipulates his perspective so that it is not in complete opposition to the conflicting public perspective of himself, this concession may have spared Hughes some grief from Plath supporters. Negative Descriptive Language is used by Hughes in the line “Not what it hid.” Hughes uses this to show he was unaware of Plath’s mental state and manipulate his perspective of the event, most probably in a hope that he will gain some sympathy from those who are in a conflicting perspective to his own. Another final technique used in Fulbright Scholars is Rhetorical Question. Hughes uses Rhetorical Question in the line “With their luggage? It seems unlikely.” This Rhetorical Question, and answer, also features the use of a Metaphor. The Metaphor of the luggage is a discreet reference to the emotional ‘baggage’ that each person in the photos may be carrying, in this case, he directly infers that the photos hide Plath’s ‘emotional baggage’. Through this combination of Rhetorical Question, Metaphor and Inference Hughes has positioned his perspective so that it shows he was unaware of Plath’s condition, and can not be made accountable for the damage caused. Through his use of techniques, Hughes has manipulated his perspective in a way which has been influenced by the public, and has clearly changed the way I think of Conflicting Perspectives. However, this insight requires the existence of a force which drives society to cause the self-manipulation of Hughes’ perspective, this exists in Plath’s Ariel.
Thanks in Adv.
 

Aerath

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Why are the techniques capitalised? Also, you might wanna find something to say other than Ted Hughes, Ted Hughes, Ted Hughes, and Fulbright Scholars, Fulbright Scholars, Fulbright Scholars.

There's nothing wrong with your paragraph - I can't comment on the textual references though, I'm not studying Hughes.
 

Venetiad

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It's just one paragraph from the essay I'm working on. I just wanted to see if I'm getting my structure right. And fair enough on the techs point.

So theres absolutely nothing you can see wrong with the paragraph?
 

lychnobity

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It's just one paragraph from the essay I'm working on. I just wanted to see if I'm getting my structure right. And fair enough on the techs point.

So theres absolutely nothing you can see wrong with the paragraph?
Decapitalise the techniques. And I'm near certain that it can be broken down further. A paragraph of that size should be illegal.

Ted Hughes’ text, Fulbright Scholars, is a prime example of a poem which shows the perspective of it’s author manipulated by the public. Fulbright Scholars is a poem which, to some extent, recounts the event in which Ted Hughes first saw Sylvia Plath, in a picture. Ted Hughes used Fulbright Scholars to show his distorted perception of the event. It has been distorted by the public’s attack on Ted Hughes’ character, that of a womaniser and fiend, which Ted Hughes try to downplay in Fulbright Scholars. Ted Hughes uses a wealth of techniques to position his perspective of the event in a way that the public may find him a little more acceptable.
This block is a prime example of poor expression. Your sentences are all over the place, you put fullstops where they shouldn't be, you're storytelling, and the worst part is it's concision (or lack thereof). That could be shortened to 50 words.

One such technique is Low Modality, which is used in the line “For some reason I noticed it.” In this line, Hughes uses Low Modality in these lines to distort his perspective of the event, thereby being able to avoid having his womanising behaviour brought up in his poem.

Hughes also uses High Modality, a clear contrast to the previous use of Low Modality. His use of High Modality is in the lines “No doubt I scanned particularly / The girls.”. In this line, Hughes manipulates his perspective so that it is not in complete opposition to the conflicting public perspective of himself, this concession may have spared Hughes some grief from Plath supporters. Negative Descriptive Language is used by Hughes in the line “Not what it hid.” Hughes uses this to show he was unaware of Plath’s mental state and manipulate his perspective of the event, most probably in a hope that he will gain some sympathy from those who are in a conflicting perspective to his own.

Another final technique used in Fulbright Scholars is Rhetorical Question. Hughes uses Rhetorical Question in the line “With their luggage? It seems unlikely.” This Rhetorical Question, and answer, also features the use of a Metaphor. The Metaphor of the luggage is a discreet reference to the emotional ‘baggage’ that each person in the photos may be carrying, in this case, he directly infers that the photos hide Plath’s ‘emotional baggage’. Through this combination of Rhetorical Question, Metaphor and Inference Hughes has positioned his perspective so that it shows he was unaware of Plath’s condition, and can not be made accountable for the damage caused.

Through his use of techniques, Hughes has manipulated his perspective in a way which has been influenced by the public, and has clearly changed the way I think of Conflicting Perspectives. However, this insight requires the existence of a force which drives society to cause the self-manipulation of Hughes’ perspective, this exists in Plath’s Ariel.
Take out every instance of "in this line"

You have an enormous cohesion issue. Compress the paragraph(s). Discussion of conflicting perspectives is shallow, little to no reference to a thesis, lacking sustenance, and expression is not sophisticated.

I re-paragraphed it. Whether you want to use it, is up to you.

imo, this is worth 6/10

There is a fair lot wrong with that paragraph.
 

Venetiad

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Yes, the length could be reduced.

Surely you can't complain about story-telling? It's less than one line, possibly two in a HSC booklet.

I'm going to have to go, continue to criticise as you will, the more the merrier- right?

I'll attempt to re-write under you suggestions tomorrow.

Thanks, lych.
 

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