I feel so bizarre. I think it's my lack of attachment or relationship for a while. Shit, it's been like a year. I really want that comes prepackaged in a relationship called hugging. Maybe kissing. Well secksy-time too I guess. But just this mutual adoration. Holding each other's hands as we stare into each other's eyes. Lost in time. Not space (that lost in space movie sucked more than I like to suck emo boys. Joking. note to emo-kids: being gay isn't hip).
I don't know. It's such an empty, hollow feeling. The kind that no nipple tweaking or black man's penis can fill the void of.
Maybe I'm caving in from assessment stress. From expectation-related stress. From turning 19 soon stress. From lack of sex stress.
Another thing, why have my confidence levels dropped to subordinate levels. I never used to be shy around girls. I'd oft make a move. But now (now not as in this instant, but recently-now) even with half a bottle of vodka obstructing my vision and dampening my standards, I'm too shy to make a move on a girl who is dancing around me and edging closer to me at a club.
As selfish as I sound, I'm really glad a good mate of mine - Ben Glass, doesn't currently have a girlfriend. As soon as he gets one, if I don't have one...well I don't know how I'll behave. We're on the same level. He's a really good looking guy who hasn't been with a girl longer than me. He also suffers from lack of the same things. He kind of keeps me sane at the moment as he'd always come out with me and get wasted. Make the same immature childish jokes that I love. Catch a cab home with me as we live close.
But then on the other side of the playing field, I'm scared. Oh so very scared of having a girlfriend. Because I know I want commitment. And I'm practically 19. My mum had me at 19. What if this relationship is my last. What the hell happens then? I don't think I could handle that. Even if I'm really happy.
Oh how I wish it were easy. How I wish I didn't think about everything this much. Maybe I even wish I was too wasted to care.
But this is such a wierd kind of period for a guy. I don't care about getting laid (well, unless I'm drunk). i actually want something deep (like a man's anus, but not really).
I often am left wondering if I will find a girl i like again. I haven't felt this connection for so long (well only once- with Catherine). However, I just haven't felt anything towards any girls I've met for ages. Actually I find one girl kinda cute (personality-wise), she's funny, great, everything. But let's remember that I have the disease known as 'shallow fuck' - she's pretty average looking. Not bad, but not hot. For me, that unfortunatelly isn't enough to be attracted to a girl. Hell, maybe the reason I'm mentally attracted to her is for lack of finding something better.
I wish more girls were like guys. I connect with heaps of guys. Coin them with terms such as 'legend', 'funny', 'i love you, man' and the such. Yet, with girls this is far more limited. 'Too stupid' 'too blonde' 'too retarded' 'too ugly' 'too annoying' springs to mind as part of my short-list of adjectives.
Hmmm... i guess this sums up my plethora of thought.
