Originally posted by lillaila
i used to tell em my marks, in junior high ..... now i hide them.......i have no privacy........i hide my exams in my socks drawers.........n e where, everywhere.......they find it...........i dun have a lock on the door, i put up a sign "do not enter"...........(doesn't work)
I'm sick of life.......i wish i could be 30 or smthng right now......or 90 and dying............the person i hate the most is me, the person i love the most is me. Life sux...............sometimes.......all the time i feel like goin into the kitchen and slitting my wrists...........i wish i could just die right now, i dont care about n e one n e more.......i wont be able to care when im dead, they say the ones who live suffer the most. Not only school but everything else........my stupid parents fight all the time...........and violently........dad used to bash mum when i was a baby...not n e more.......mum chucks things around the house............BUT............N E ONE ..........absolutely everyone from outside looking in will believe were a happy family............we look like it, noone drinks, noone smokes............no drugs, nothing.......no explanation......i wish we had drugs or stuff so we could blame it on smthng but no, ive got my exams and im sitting here writing this. I remember my first memory of them fighting.........i remember each second of it. I have no freedom...........i cant go out, i cant see n e one......theres no way i could find help. Theres no physical love in this family........seeing parents kiss their children.........whatever....ill prolly grow up to be a bitter old lady, or i might not grow up at all...................i dunno y im writing this. I cant call n e up, talk to n e one. They get suspicious if i talk to a guy, look at him whatever.........i know i make them sad.......so im trying so hard, but i know i wont be able to reach their expectations...........i used to go tutoring 10 hrs on sat and sun.....where do they get the money?............my parents dont work...........and i have no knowledge of the outside world. Whats the use of living....."no ure stilla lil girl"..................im 17 already! I'm so scared to dying but i feel that its soooooooo easy to.......n e one i kno who reads this wouldnt blieve its me. Outside im a very happy person, i laugh......i go hypo, what they dun understand is that im hiding it all........atm my world revolves around school, hsc, school........i hate studying, i hate cramming all these stuff...........ive got my physics exam in 3 days and i havent started learning ...........let alone study.......i was raised to be a quiet girl, dont talk back, be polite.......i kno im not this sort of person.............theres a huge gap btwn me and my parents. Tjhey were raised diffrenetly, in a diff country........they dun undertsnad "tennage business" or whatever.........i tell myself...im never gonna do this to MY children.........