Urgent Marking/Advice needed (1 Viewer)

[shaon0]

This is a monologue that i have been preparing on the Catcher in the Rye for Advanced English.

This is a supposed discussion between Mr. Antolini and Mrs. Antolini which did not occur in ‘The Catcher in the Rye.’ Why did Holden just leave in a hurry? Lillian did you just see that? Was it something I did? Or something I said?
I was just admiring him and then he left in such a hurry. I try to understand him but…he certainly is a unique student.
He called me occasionally during holidays. He said that he was having a bit of trouble and was going to leave Pency Prep. He told me about his problems in Pency Prep. So I invited him over for a chat.He left Elkton for Pency Prep. And I wanted to find out why he made that decision.
He was never open with his peers at Elkton; he was social-able but, never really made a real friendship or bond with his peers at Elkton Hills. At Elkton Hills he just put on a façade and covered his true feelings because he is afraid to get close to someone and share his feelings with that person. In all honesty, I don’t think he ever has had a true friend besides me…And he was never the best student at Elkton Hills academically.
Well he never applied himself to his studies. I observed him during class several times and he always seemed shy and timid but when he is with older people he seems to be relaxed and more talkative.
Especially when he played tennis with us…Didn’t he Lillian? He seemed so open with us and friendly. I always felt as if though…Holden and I have had a nice cordial relationship. You might find it weird that I am so close to him. But he really confides in me as a friend…
You know? But I haven’t seen him react this way…
He always asked me for advice on issues that he had in life. And I usually gave him personal advice on his issues like; his problem of never sticking to the point in a conversation, his problem of hating people for no apparent reason and his preoccupation with the ducks in central park.
He also acts like a much older person than he is…I don’t know the reason for that.
He also is slightly paranoid sometimes. Isn’t he Lillian? Something probably happened with his family. So they sent him to Elkton Hills.
He seems like he has come from a nice middle-class background but he has never really mentioned them to us. Has he? The only family member he has mentioned is his brother, D.B who is in Hollywood.
But on the whole I think he is a good kid, he just needs to stop dwelling on his past experiences and talk with people his age more often.

Any advice would be appreciated

 

[shaon0]

anyone got any advice?

 

[selablad]

I think that giant equation-looking thing in your sig is intimidating people. Or maybe that's just me

That seems really good, though. A couple of punctuation things, pretty minor and probably don't even matter since it's a monologue. Um...social-able? (haven't read the book so don't know if that's a special reference) = sociable. And that one paragraph you say Pency Prep and Elkton a lot - maybe too much?

Yeah, that seemed really good to me so I don't have too much constructive criticism, sorry

 

[shaon0]

I think that giant equation-looking thing in your sig is intimidating people. Or maybe that's just me

That seems really good, though. A couple of punctuation things, pretty minor and probably don't even matter since it's a monologue. Um...social-able? (haven't read the book so don't know if that's a special reference) = sociable. And that one paragraph you say Pency Prep and Elkton a lot - maybe too much?

Yeah, that seemed really good to me so I don't have too much constructive criticism, sorry

Thanks. The guy who is saying it is meant to be drunk. So he pauses a few times.
Thanks for the advice

 

[bored of sc]

This is a monologue that i have been preparing on the Catcher in the Rye for Advanced English.

This is a supposed discussion between Mr. Antolini and Mrs. Antolini which did not occur in ‘The Catcher in the Rye.’ Why did Holden just leave in a hurry? Lillian, did you just see that? Was it something I did? Or something I said?
I was just admiring him and then he left in such a hurry. I am trying to understand him but; he certainly is a unique student.
He called me occasionally during the holidays. He said he was having a bit of trouble and was going to leave Pency Prep. He told me about his problems in Pency Prep. So to discuss this further I invited him over for a chat. He left Elkton for Pency Prep. Why did he make that decision?
He was never open with his peers at Elkton; he was social-able but, never really made a real friendship with any of his peers at Elkton Hills. At Elkton Hills he put on a façade, covering his true feelings because he is afraid to get close to someone and share his feelings with them. In all honesty, I don’t think he has ever had a true friend besides me. He was also never the best student at Elkton Hills academically.
Well, he never applied himself to his studies. I observed him during class several times and he always seemed shy and timid. But when he is with older people he seems to be relaxed and more talkative.
Especially when he played tennis with us, didn’t he Lillian? He was so open with us, so friendly. I always felt as if though Holden and I have had a nice, cordial relationship. You might find it weird that I am so close to him. But he really confides in me as a friend.
You know? But I haven’t seen him react this way.
He always asked me for advice on issues that he had in life. And I usually gave him personal advice on his issues like; his problem of never sticking to the point in a conversation, his problem of hating people for no apparent reason and his preoccupation with the ducks in central park.
He also acts like a much older person than he is; I don’t know the reason for that.
He also is slightly paranoid sometimes. Isn’t he Lillian? Something probably happened with his family. So they sent him to Elkton Hills.
He seems like he has come from a nice, middle-class background but he has never fully/openly mentioned them to us. Has he? The only family member he has mentioned is his brother, D.B, who is in Hollywood.
But on the whole he is a good kid. He just needs to stop dwelling on past experiences and talk with people his age more often.

Any advice would be appreciated

I've put my corrections in bold. But be warned, I write in a weird way, with lots of commas.

The tense of the writing changes a fair bit (not sure if that's a bad thing because it could show the narrator is changing tense deliberating ).

Great use of rhetorical questions.

Word choice is also very good. Perhaps you could go for a few more sophisticated words here and there.

Punctuation is sometimes lacking (but then again, I don't really know what I'm talking about here).

Syntax is good. Try to make some of the longer sentences a bit shorter (break them into two) to mimic the nature of human thought: it tends to be shifty and detached --> so short sentences do the trick.

Overall, a clear, cohesive piece of writing.

 

[shaon0]

I've put my corrections in bold. But be warned, I write in a weird way, with lots of commas.

The tense of the writing changes a fair bit (not sure if that's a bad thing because it could show the narrator is changing tense deliberating ).

Great use of rhetorical questions.

Word choice is also very good. Perhaps you could go for a few more sophisticated words here and there.

Punctuation is sometimes lacking (but then again, I don't really know what I'm talking about here).

Syntax is good. Try to make some of the longer sentences a bit shorter (break them into two) to mimic the nature of human thought: it tends to be shifty and detached --> so short sentences do the trick.

Overall, a clear, cohesive piece of writing.

Thanks for your advice.

 

[selablad]

Thanks. The guy who is saying it is meant to be drunk. So he pauses a few times.
Thanks for the advice

I hope you have a flair for drama, because with the right touch, that speech could be awesome.

Although if he is drunk, then maybe sophisticated words would be a bit much? Unless he stumbled over them or something. I agree with the shifty/detached/human thought thing (bored of sc). But it already has a very natural flow to it. So anyway.

The other thing I was thinking about is that it stops very suddenly, and maybe an extra sentence or two would tie it up a bit more (although obviously without going overboard).

 

[shaon0]

I hope you have a flair for drama, because with the right touch, that speech could be awesome.

Although if he is drunk, then maybe sophisticated words would be a bit much? Unless he stumbled over them or something. I agree with the shifty/detached/human thought thing (bored of sc). But it already has a very natural flow to it. So anyway.

The other thing I was thinking about is that it stops very suddenly, and maybe an extra sentence or two would tie it up a bit more (although obviously without going overboard).

thanks but it has a time limit of 3 minutes plus the character is meant to be a university professor in the book so i got a little confused on whether to use sophisticated language would potentially get more marks or use simplistic language and get crap marks but my monologue may seem much more percieveable.

 

[kaz1]

thanks but it has a time limit of 3 minutes plus the character is meant to be a university professor in the book so i got a little confused on whether to use sophisticated language would potentially get more marks or use simplistic language and get crap marks but my monologue may seem much more percieveable.

WTF? High school English teacher.

 

[shaon0]

WTF? High school English teacher.

i read in the book that he changed his job and became a professor who teaches at NYU after teaching at high school.