What makes a more sophisticated essay? Simpleness or ... (1 Viewer)

[jellycrackle]

Sexier vocab?

So my school puts such an emphasis on being clear and concise in your essays, which Itotally understand. But it is to an extent that they don't want any large words, even if they are slotted into a pretty concise sentence. But the thing is - can your essay be band-6 worthy and sophisticated with minimal vocab? I mean, is a larger word that is contextually correct, worse than using a smaller word?

I shall feed you an example:
1. Traditional representations reveal a polarity between history and memory; memory is considered purely subjective, history is delineated as purely objective.
2. History and memory's traditional representation show a division between these two. Memory is thought to be subjective. History, however, is thought to be objective.

(Dodgy examples, but you get the idea.)

So, if two essays are written with the same ideas, same examples and everything, and they are written in the styles above, would number 2 get a better mark because it is simpler?

 

[Queenroot]

It should because the first one sounds so rote learned

 

[Chubbeh]

If 2 were to sound a bit more fluent (simply combining the 2nd and 3rd sentences), it would be better than 1. So something as simple adding 'whereas' to show the 'division':
2. History and memory's traditional representation show a division between these two. Memory is thought to be subjective whereas history is thought to be objective.

1 is a bit too compacted with 'big words' and might confuse/irritate the marker with its incomprehensibility (depending on marker) = possible penalisation. Aim to achieve sophistication from your interpretation/deconstruction rather than a gluttonous vocabulary. Sprinkle big words here and there, but don't over-do it obviously.

 

[enoilgam]

I've marked a quite a few essays through BoS and elsewhere and simpler language is way more effective in my view. A HSC marker can spend anywhere from 30 seconds to three minutes in an essay, so you want them to get what you are saying straight away. Dont get me wrong, sophisticated language is good, but often times essays are loaded with it and it feels unnecessary. Using smart and sophisticated language is fine provided that it helps the flow of the response and highlights what you are saying in a clear way.

 

[strawberrye]

Actually, I would not prefer either of your two proposed examples of thesis sentence, because both thesis sentence does not explain the link why you think history is often perceived as objective and memory as subjective, without this link, it is very hard to formulate a strong thesis, whether you are using complex language or not. You need to make your first priority in answering the given essay question and nothing but the given essay question.

 

[monopolistic]

Simple is good

 

[jellycrackle]

Yes, I totally agree, however, the examples (as I mentioned previously) are dodgy, and also, are given to exemplify my dilemma and no means to be taken as a legit thesis.
But yes, I guess simpleness is always better, but I always find the 20/20 essays have fabulous vocab. I don't know. Thank you anyway.