Zhang Yimou's art (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter ttrinix
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supercalamari
you've got the love
Wtf? A '11er on BoS? You must be the first... Yayttrinix said:
I'll see what I can do, otherwise there's plenty of other '10ers who could help you.
You're use of vocabulary is very sophisticated for a Year 9 person !
You remind me a bit of myself when I was in Year 9 studying English . . . lol
OHHHHHHHHHHH i just noticed.. you're a BAULKO lol ! noooo wonderr! didn't expect anything less
I suppose one bit of criticism I could give you, constructive of course, is that you should tie back your arguments a bit better to the question in the closing sentence of each paragraph, rather than loosely placing a sentence on a particular technique as the conclusion of a paragraph. The purpose of this 'concluding sentence' of each paragraph is to tie it back to the original question, and thus reinforce in the marker's mind that you are raising arguments that appropriately answer the question.
But yeah, overall, I think it has some rather sophisticated vocabulary and ideas. If you write like this now, I can assume you will be a strong candidate for English Extension 2 in Year 12.
Good job mate! Keep up the good work.
You remind me a bit of myself when I was in Year 9 studying English . . . lol
OHHHHHHHHHHH i just noticed.. you're a BAULKO lol ! noooo wonderr! didn't expect anything less
I suppose one bit of criticism I could give you, constructive of course, is that you should tie back your arguments a bit better to the question in the closing sentence of each paragraph, rather than loosely placing a sentence on a particular technique as the conclusion of a paragraph. The purpose of this 'concluding sentence' of each paragraph is to tie it back to the original question, and thus reinforce in the marker's mind that you are raising arguments that appropriately answer the question.
But yeah, overall, I think it has some rather sophisticated vocabulary and ideas. If you write like this now, I can assume you will be a strong candidate for English Extension 2 in Year 12.
Good job mate! Keep up the good work.
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well is the metaphor the only thing you discuss in that paragraph? perhaps you should be a bit more general and mention CINEMATIC TECHNIQUES and incorporate the key words of the question, together with the main ideas of your paragraph - basically, in a nutshell, what did you discuss in that paragraph and how is it relevant to the original question.
do you get thatt?
do you get thatt?
Ok, umm - take your first paragraph after your introduction:
basically, you want the marker to see that this paragraph is completely relevant, and so you could say something like this (of course, ensure that you link it back to the question):
Therefore, through the application of an array of cinematic techniques, a dehumanising system is portrayed that immerses the responder into the film and thus allows them to experience and be emotionally captivated by the art of (whatever that person's name is, lol).
Sometihng like that should do - but see how I'm integrating the key words of the question? Like "captivating" and "art of ____". It's just sometihng simple like that that could make all the difference from an A grade response to a B grade response - I like to call these closing lines "mini-conclusions", as ultimately, you are summarising the central ideas of your pargraph in one sentence that shows the marker, "Yes, this person HAS answered the question and has provided relevant examples to support their claims."
Do you understand what I'm getting at?
I hope so ! LOL. GOOD LUCK ! ! !
basically, you want the marker to see that this paragraph is completely relevant, and so you could say something like this (of course, ensure that you link it back to the question):
Therefore, through the application of an array of cinematic techniques, a dehumanising system is portrayed that immerses the responder into the film and thus allows them to experience and be emotionally captivated by the art of (whatever that person's name is, lol).
Sometihng like that should do - but see how I'm integrating the key words of the question? Like "captivating" and "art of ____". It's just sometihng simple like that that could make all the difference from an A grade response to a B grade response - I like to call these closing lines "mini-conclusions", as ultimately, you are summarising the central ideas of your pargraph in one sentence that shows the marker, "Yes, this person HAS answered the question and has provided relevant examples to support their claims."
Do you understand what I'm getting at?
I hope so ! LOL. GOOD LUCK ! ! !
No, the essay isn't too long.
1) Shorten your paragraph lengths (the second one is 313 words). And while I know they're "related", you can afford to let them have a paragraph of their own. eg in the 4th paragraph, this can have a paragraph of its own. [FONT="]"Another characteristic feature of Zhang’s..." Go to the start of another and press enter. You kind of used a "transition" word (change of voice) so you can make a new paragraph.[/FONT]
2) Clean up your punctuation eg "[FONT="]a the" ctrl f this and make up your mind about whether you want to be subjective or objective
3) Be more concise. I don't need to know that Songlian is acted by Gong Li. This bit of information is unrelated to your essay, so cut it out. Always directly relate to the question. If it's not related to the question, don't chuck it in
[/FONT]
1) Shorten your paragraph lengths (the second one is 313 words). And while I know they're "related", you can afford to let them have a paragraph of their own. eg in the 4th paragraph, this can have a paragraph of its own. [FONT="]"Another characteristic feature of Zhang’s..." Go to the start of another and press enter. You kind of used a "transition" word (change of voice) so you can make a new paragraph.[/FONT]
2) Clean up your punctuation eg "[FONT="]a the" ctrl f this and make up your mind about whether you want to be subjective or objective
3) Be more concise. I don't need to know that Songlian is acted by Gong Li. This bit of information is unrelated to your essay, so cut it out. Always directly relate to the question. If it's not related to the question, don't chuck it in
[/FONT]
lionking1191
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lol ur a baulko-erttrinix said:
haha its yr 9... i remember doing zhang's house of flying daggers for y9.. all we did was watching it over and over and over again
raise the red lantern was much more boring
thoughts (of no particular merit):
intro: don't start talking about techniques - that's for the body. rather, develop your thesis a bit more. develop the "appealing on various level" part by referring to the themes you have drawn attention to: ie. system, power and fate.
body: your structure is messy. since you have identified the 3 key issues in the intro, it would be ideal to develop that into 3 sections in the body - one for each paragraph. a topic sentence is required at the beginning of each paragraph which should discuss the question.
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No no no no no, splitting the paragraphs does not necessarily mean that you have to begin a new theme/argument/issue. It just means that it's easier to read, and you can differentiate between the elaboration and the point you're making.ttrinix said:
In reference to the "another characteristic...", you from memory, started elaborating the point using another feature of the text, so I suggested you could turn that into a new paragraph. That would make it more a more efficient, concise piece of writing. More control of the essay format.
Keep in mind that the point of a paragraph is to separate your points. So for your essay, you could separate the themes, then separate said theme into TEE 1, TEE 2 etc