Harry Potter fans may like this story. (1 Viewer)

[GoldEyes]

This story has a bit of a Harry Potter feel to it. Slightly more Anime though.

The beginning sounds a bit far-fetched when you first set out, but I urge you to continue reading.

It is currently still in production, hence incomplete. Just posting for feedback. Would lke to hear opinions, and even ideas for further chapters.

It is unedited as of yet, so there may be a few typos, etc. The grammar isn't perfect, but I get lazy.

Since it is easy to steal material off a forum, my copyright is listed on the bottom.

Here are the first few chapters.

Hope you enjoy the read:

Guardian Angel.

Demons, Angels and various other creatures were flying around the room, this giant room made of stone and wood. There was a sort of strange fog or mist covering the floor of the room. Lee, cowering behind an upturned table managed to find his video camera in his pocket. He pulled it out and began filming.
Strangely, you couldn't see the creatures on the camera screen. You could only see the vibrant washes of colour coming from the projectiles the creatures were throwing at each other.

Suddenly; "Lee!?".

Lee jumped and hit his head on the tables leg. Nursing his head he looked around to see who or what could be calling his name now of all times.

"LEE!?"

The voice sounded soft, gentle, yet in a bit of a panic. Lee swung around to face the other way and saw what appeared to be a girl with pink hair standing with her back to him, looking around.

"LEEEE!?"

Lee yelled out "YEAH!?". The girl turned around. She looked at Lee and he caught a glimpse of her eyes. They were a rich, dark gold.

"LEE!" The girl screamed, this time more urgent. He couldn't take his eyes off her. He couldn't make out her face in the haze.

"LEEEEE!!".

Lee woke up, forgetting where he was.

"For the last time, Lee! Get UP! I am not driving you to school today!".

"Ah" Lee thought, "School!". Checking his clock, he got up and started rushing around, looking for his uniform. 7:38. Plenty of time. Finding it, he chucked it on as fast as he could and began the hunt for his bag.
Lee was tall in height, short black hair and a little on the fitter side. A cheeky look in his hazel eyes, he always seemed happy and light-hearted.
Oh how Lee hated the school uniform. And how he hated his Mum making him wear it correctly to the T. Grey pants and jacket, white collared shirt and a burgundy and gold striped tie. How original.
Lee raced down stairs, grabbed his lunch and made a break for the door. His Mum popped her head around the corner and asked "What about breakfast? Hey?"
"I'll buy something at the bakery on the way, 'mother dearest' " Lee replied with a grin on his face, flashing a ten dollar note.
"Okay then, Son".

Lee burst out of the door, just in time to see his friend, Jeremy, walking past the front gate of his house.

"JER!!!!!!!!!! You BASTARD!" Lee screamed as loud as he could. Jeremy jumped and looked around with a shocked look on his face. No sooner than he looked at Lee, did he fall onto the median strip. Lee had tackled Jeremy.

"Dude! Hello! What the hell!? Get off me!" yelled Jeremy. No sooner than when he heard this, Lee pounced up and offered his hand, with that sly grin on his face again.

" No way dude. I know how you work", said Jeremy with one eye squinting and the opposite eyebrow raised.

Jeremy Tilson was pretty slight of build, a little tall with straight blonde hair that stopped at his shoulders. His hair was so blonde, it appeared to be a matt white type of colour. Because of his hair's colour and style, he got alot of guff from students at school.
Lee not one to pass the opportunity;
"Get up, or your hair will get dirty."

"Oh noo! My hair!... Heh... You need new material."

Jeremy got up to discover that his video camera had fallen out of his bag. Picking it up, he murmured "better not be broken" and began fiddling around with it.
The camera reminded Lee of something. But what?
"My dream!" Lee said.
Jeremy looked at him with that look that everyones best friend gives them. You know that look. The "is everything okay with you, or have you finally lost the plot?" look.
Lee realized that he said that out loud, and that Jeremy was looking at him... And that a group of girls had just walked past, heard him and had begun giggling.
He decided that he would have to tell Jeremy about his dream now.
Lee started walking and called Jeremy to walk with him. Jeremy, finding that his camera was in good shape ran up beside him and gave him the look again.
Lee, sensing this, simply said "I'll tell you on the way". Jeremy just gave him the look even more intensely.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lee and Jeremy walked up the steps into the bakery.

"So your telling me that in this dream, a girl with pink hair and gold eyes was calling your name while angels, demons and various other mystical creatures fought each other over head?"
Lee, realizing how far-fetched this sounded reluctantly replied; "Yee-ah...".
"Dude..." said Jeremy, "You really have lost it, haven't you?"
"I'm serious!" Said Lee while ordering a sausage roll and a chocolate milk. "That's what happened."
"I've always thought you were a bit odd, Lee. No wonder the school councilor likes you so much!" said Jeremy jokingly.
"Hey Jeremy!"
"Yeah?"
Lee hit Jeremy on the top of the head with his chocolate milk.
"Shut up."
Jeremy threw a punch at Lee's stomach.
"You bastard!"
As the two started to wrestle infront of the service desk, Lee's sausage roll was delivered to him.
"Stop! Food!" Said Lee.

The girl on the other side of the counter took the money and gave Lee his sausage roll and receipt while giving the two a soft, judging smile. She was pretty, but Lee took no notice and politely smiled back.
Turning back to speak to Jeremy, Lee noticed that there was an extra piece of paper behind the receipt. The two make their way to a seating booth. Sitting down, Lee looked back at the counter to have a look at the girl who served him. She wasn't there. There was just a guy running the counter. She must have gone out back.
"Where'd that girl go, Jer?"
"How should I know? I was too busy defending myself!" said Jeremy.
Lee had that feeling you get when you have Deja Vu.
"Are you sure you're okay, Lee?" asked Jeremy.
"Yeah, man. I'm fine" replied Lee, remembering the piece of paper.
"I swear the girl who served me..."
"The girl who doesn't exist?" teased Jeremy. Lee ignored this.
"The girl who served me gave me this piece of paper".
"Well open it!" said Jeremy. He tested his luck; "I think she liiiikes yooou...".
"Like that year seven chick likes you?".
"Shut up, dude! I told you it's not true!" defended Jeremy.
"I see the way she looks at you".
"Just open it." ordered Jeremy.

Lee opened the piece of paper and spread it on the bench top. The piece of paper had what appeared to be a pentagram with a phrase of latin written over the top of it. There was also the words: "I'm looking", written in very neat handwriting under the pentagram.
"What the hell?" said Lee.
"Thats... Uh... Strange." said Jeremy.
"You're telling me." said Lee, a little spooked.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The rest of the day went past like any other regular school day. After the final school bell, Lee met up with Jeremy again at the bottom gates.
"Any more notes?" Jeremy asked in an odd tone.
"Ha... No actually" said Lee. "It was probably just that girl having some fun anyway".
"We've gotta go past the bakery. Wanna see if she's there?" asked Jeremy.
"Okay. We still going into the city?"
"Yeah. We'll go after we finish at the bakery".
***
The two walked into the bakery again, looked behind the counter and couldn't see a girl, just the same guy as before. Lee decided to ask the guy if the girl was in.
"Can I help you?"
"Yeah... Is that girl who was working the counter this morning in at the moment?" asked Lee.
Lee got a strange look from the guy.
"What?".
"There are no girls currently employed here...".
Lee turned white.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. There aren't even any listed on the roster..."
Lee went even more white.
"You okay? You look like you just saw a ghost." asked the guy.
"I think I might have..." replied Lee. "Thanks".
Lee walked back to the entrance where Jeremy was standing.
"Woah! What happened? You look like you just saw a ghost."
"I know." said Lee. "The guy behind the counter said that too".
"So... What happened?" asked Jeremy.
"Well... That guy said that there are no girls working at the bakery".
"What?" asked Jeremy.
"Yeah. I know. None even on the roster".
Jeremy turned white. Lee shook it all off.
"Haha... Now you look like you saw a ghost!" said Lee. "Lets get to the train station. We'll miss the train if we don't go soon."
The two headed off in silence towards Lee's place. Their plan was to dump their stuff at Lee's, get changed and head off to the station.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lee and Jeremy walked out of an arcade when Lee saw a girl with pink hair out of the corner of his eye. He turned so suddenly that Jeremy jumped.
"Wah! What?" said Jeremy.
"Nothing... I thought I saw something". The pink hair he thought he saw was just a pink hoodie.
"Now you're seeing things? Maybe I should call the men in the white coats." heckled Jeremy.
"What?" Asked Lee.
"You know... The guys from the mental hospital... They wear white coats..."
Lee gave Jeremy a blank look. "Eh?".
"Never mind! Hey! Let's go and see if we can find out what that note means." suggested Jeremy.
"Uh... Okay".
They headed into a nearby cafe where a bunch of kids from their school were gathered and sat down at a table. Lee pulled out the note and placed it on the table.
"Okay, so... This looks like one of those pentagram things." said Jeremy.
"What? Like on those weegie board things?" asked Lee.
"Yeah. Like that. And this latin... How are we going to translate that? I may know someone..."
At that moment, Lee froze, looking out the window.
"And 'I'm looking'... What is that... Dude... What?".
"I could swear I just saw that girl." said Lee quietly.
"The girl from the bakery?"
"Yeah. The girl form the bakery".
"Seriously? Let's go then!" said Jeremy, enthusiastically.
"But..."
"But what? Lets. Go. Now." said Jeremy, practically pushing Lee off his chair.
The two rushed out of the cafe, Lee reluctantly, and headed the way that Lee thought the girl was walking. They headed towards the escalator. Not more than ten steps away from the top of the escalator, they spotted a girl in a brown overcoat with a hood that almost looked like a robe. She looked up at them.
"That's her!"

The moment Lee said that, the girl turned back and walked faster, into a crowd of people. The two guys came racing down the escalator, through the group of people and out the other side to find a wall. They followed the wall and found it lead to a cafe, and the other way to a sports shop.
"Where'd she go?" asked Jeremy.
"I have no idea." said Lee.
They went back to the group of people.
"Did you see a girl in an overcoat walk though here?" asked Jeremy.
"No" came the answer.
Lee and Jeremy looked at each other, not believing that these people had not just seen her walk through them.
"You sure? She came right through here. Walked through the middle of you". Lee asked.
"Yeah, I'm sure." replied one of the guys. "I think I would have seen a girl in an overcoat walk right infront of me."
Sensing the groups annoyance, they decided to leave. They were heading back towards the escalator when Jeremy said;
"This day has been strange. None of this makes sense!"
"I know" replied Lee. "It's even stranger for me cause I think the girl is targeting me somehow".
"What?"
"I know. But she gave me the note, and I have a feeling that "I'm looking" somehow means she's looking for me..."
"But she's found you, hasn't she? She's seen you twice", said Jeremy.
"Yeah... That's what I don't get" said Lee, with a small overtone of uncertainty in his voice.

Here is the first few paragraphs of the next chapter:

Lee was running. He didn't know where to. He was running through a forest on an early morning. The sun had just come up, so there was an orange and red tinge to the sky. Mist hung low around the trunks of the surrounding trees.
Lee kept running even though he had no idea where he was going.
He saw something in the horizon. A figure. He decided to slow down. He slowly walked towards the figure, trying to make as little noise as possible.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was wearing a robe. The kind of robe that the old monks wear in TV shows.

SNAP!

Lee stood on a stick. The figure remained unmoved.

"I've been looking...". The voice was distorted and low.

The figure slowly turned to face him. All Lee could see was the figures chin under the robes hood.

"For you.".....

Hope you enjoyed it!

Tell me if you want me to post what else I have.
All text in the quote boxes are hereby owned and copyrighted by the owner of the GoldEyes avatar and can only be used or reproduced with the owners permission.

 

[Kwayera]

The formatting and punctuation make this difficult to read.

Good effort, though.

 

[GoldEyes]

The formatting and punctuation make this difficult to read.

Good effort, though.

I know. I get lazy while writing. It is unedited . It'll make more sense when I'm done.

 

[Tangent]

It shows real promise. I like it, and yeah it does have anime-ee feel to it (i like it even more XD)

awesome, keep up with it

 

[ClockworkSoldier]

Not bad. Interesting to see what happens next.

 

[annabackwards]

It shows real promise. I like it, and yeah it does have anime-ee feel to it (i like it even more XD)

awesome, keep up with it

Agreed

 

[GoldEyes]

Glad ya'll like it.

Here's the rest of that chapter, and two more just for now. I kept writing after I posted before.

Lee was running. He didn't know where to. He was running through a forest on an early morning. The sun had just come up, so there was an orange and red tinge to the sky. Mist hung low around the trunks of the surrounding trees.
Lee kept running even though he had no idea where he was going.
He saw something in the horizon. A figure. He decided to slow down. He slowly walked towards the figure, trying to make as little noise as possible.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was wearing a robe. The kind of robe that the old monks wear in TV shows.

"SNAP!"

Lee stood on a stick. The figure remained unmoved.

"I've been looking...". The voice was distorted and low.

The figure slowly turned to face him. All Lee could see was the figures chin under the robes hood.

"For you." said the figure, slowly removing it's hood. The voice now sounded female.

Pink hair revealed itself. Lee's heart jumped when he realized who it was. It was that girl! But she didn't have pink hair before... She had her eyes closed.
Lee couldn't help himself "What do you want!?" he tried to yell, but nothing happened. It was like he didn't have a voice box.
"Don't speak" said the girl. It was then that Lee noticed that she wasn't moving her lips. How was that possible!?
The two stood there for a few seconds, but to Lee, it felt like a lifetime. He wanted to ask questions, but every time he tried, he couldn't speak.

"See you... Soon", said the girl, simply and thoughtfully.

She then opened her eyes and looked straight at Lee. Lee almost died. She had gold... GOLD eyes. They appeared to be swimming...
Lee felt like he was falling backwards, with no floor to catch him. His vision blurred.

Lee woke up in a cold sweat.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was still dark. Lee could feel a breeze. He looked towards the window to find that it had been opened. He could swear that he closed it. He walked over to the window slowly, still confused about what had happened in his dream. As he got closer to the window, he could see that something was laying there. Carefully, he moved to see what it was.
It was a piece of white, folded paper. It was being illuminated brightly by the streetlamp outside. Why was there a piece of paper on his window sill?
He unfolded the paper. On it, there were simply the words; "See you soon. I've been looking for you".

Lee just stood there with his jaw dropped. They were exactly the same words as the girl spoke in his dream, written in the same neat handwriting as the note from the bakery. He couldn't believe it. This was just getting too much. How would someone know what was in Lee's dream? Unless they gave him the dream... "Naaah" Lee thought.
"That's not possible".
Then he thought about the window. His bedroom was on the second floor of the house, with no trees or anything outside to climb on. How could someone open his window and plant a note without him waking up from this height?
Suddenly he wasn't sure where the dream came from anymore.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next morning Lee was up before his alarm and on his computer straight away. He began researching dreams and their causes. Nothing could explain what could cause such a bizarre dream and even if he found something that did, it couldn't explain the window or the note.

"Time to get up, Lee!" came the call of his mother, on cue with the alarm not ten seconds later. Lee decided to just get ready for school and catch Jeremy on his way past. He got ready, packed his bag and walked downstairs for breakfast.

"What!? You're actually going to eat breakfast!?" said his mum in mock surprise.
"Yeah" said Lee, sounding a little shocked himself. He poured himself some cereal, sat down at the table and began to eat. His mum just pottered around the kitchen.
"Are you okay?" asked Lee's mum.
Lee jumped a little.
"Uh... Yeah. I'm fine".
"Are you sure?".
"Yeah mum, I'm fine. God... Parents! I swear!"
Lee's mum just gave him the same cheeky smile that Lee wears often.
"Hey, that's Jeremy walking up the path", said Lee's mum.
Lee was at the front door with his bag, ready to go before Jeremy had even touched the door handle.
"What about your cereal!?" came the yell from the kitchen.
"I dunno! Uh... Put it in the fridge!?" Lee yelled back as he closed the door.

"Dude. You look like..."
"I've seen a ghost?" interjected Lee.
"No" replied Jeremy. "Like you've been hit by a truck".
Lee smiled at this. He definitely felt like he had.
"So come on", said jeremy. "Spill".
Lee told Jeremy about last night, about his dream and about the note.
"Really?" Asked Jeremy. "You still got that note?".
Lee pulled the note out of his pocket and handed it to Jeremy who unfolded it and read it's contents.
"See? That is exactly what the girl said in my dream".
"Uh" came Jeremy's reply. "If it did, it doesn't say that now..."
"What!? Show me!" said Lee, disbelievingly. Jeremy showed him the note, which now only read "See you soon".
Lee snatched the note back and started fiddling with it, holding it up to the sun to see if it was some kind of trick.
"I know it was there!" Lee said in a fit of frustration.
"Dude, we gotta get to school soon" said Jeremy. "We can't be late to science or Mr. Gommet is going to blow a gasket".
Lee put the note back into his pocket and pushed the thoughts to the back of his mind and joined Jeremy in a jog to school.

Again. Any feedback and/or suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[GoldEyes]

New installation.

Copyright still applies.

The day rolled past like any other school day... Again, and by the time the final bell rang, Lee and Jeremy had forgotten about the notes and the girl. They strolled out the door, saying goodbye to their friends.
"You know what?", asked Jeremy.
"What?".
"I never got you back for tackling me!", and with that, the two hit the grass next to the footpath and started punching.
"Oi! You two!" came the authoritative yell from Mr. Grommet, the science teacher.
"Get off that grass!".
The two stopped wrestling, got up and shook themselves off.
"You boys have a good weekend, now", said Mr. Grommet sternly.
"Will do, sir!" replied Lee cheekily as Mr. Grommet turned and walked away.
"Why does he say 'have a good weekend' like he'll give us detention if we don't?" asked Jeremy.
"Heh... No clue. Not like he knows what fun is anyway", said Lee.
"I heard that!", came Mr. Grommets voice from the gates.
The two doubled over laughing.

When their laughing fit subdued, they resumed a course for home. They were planning to hit the city again.

After getting changed and leaving the school bags at Lee's, they were on the way to the train station. They had stopped thinking of the notes and the past days occurrences as a serious matter and were talking light heartedly about it.
"I reckon she liked you", suggested Jeremy. "She left you notes... Maybe she's a stalker!".
"I wouldn't mind being stalked by her too much", said Lee jokingly.
"She wasn't bad looking, was she?"
"Nah, she wasn't. Nice smile too...", said Lee.

"Glad you think so", said an unfamiliar female voice from behind them.
The guys almost Jumped out of their skin. There was a hooded figure behind them.
"Just keep walking, don't mind me", said the voice.
"You didn't think I'd let you forget me? I wouldn't... Couldn't forget you..."
Lee and Jeremy looked at each other with a worried look on their faces.
"No need to worry, boys... Just follow me".
The person pushed through the middle of the guys and walked ahead.
Lee and Jeremy kept quiet.
"What do we do?" asked Jeremy.
"I don't know", replied Lee. "Just follow them I guess?".
The figure lead them into the train station and onto a platform.
"This couldn't be that girl? Could it?" Lee whispered to Jeremy.
"You two know I can hear everything you say?", said the figure.
Jeremy just shrugged his shoulders.

The figure took them down a dark corner of the subway, to where a phone box resided at the end of a short tunnel. There, it stopped and turned to the boys.
"You didn't take my signs too well, did you, Lee?"
Lee stood silent. "How does she know my name!?", he thought.
"I know more than just your name, Lee Flemming", said the figure as it turned it's back to them and unzipped it's hooded jacket.
Lee was dumbstruck. "Did you just... read my mind?", asked Lee.
"Not telling!", said the figure teasingly.
Lee was beginning to recognize the voice. The soft, gentle, caring female voice.
"Dude..." Lee said to Jeremy.
"Dude?" Jeremy replied.
The figure proceeded to slowly remove it's jacket.
"Dude... You can't be that!...", Lee barely got the words out as flowing pink hair revealed itself.
"Duuuuuude!" said Jeremy excitedly.
"You guys don't have much of a vocabulary, do you?" said the girl, teasingly again.
Lee was in a state of shock.
Jeremy was just standing there, a blank look on his face, unable to move even if he wanted to.
The girl turned to face them with her eyes closed. Jeremy looked at her with curiosity.
"That's the girl from the bakery!", said Lee clumsily. "She's the girl I've been seeing in my..."

As Lee said this, the girl opened her eyes. A massive flash of gold appeared to radiate from the girl. The guys just stood there, dumbstruck and rooted to the ground. The rich, bright light faded slowly and revealed that it was the girls eyes that was it's source. As the light faded even more, it became evident that the girl had a huge pair of white wings protruding from somewhere on her back. The wings appeared translucent and see-through, and seemed to be fading with the gold light. A crown that originated from her neck, into long, evenly spaced, different lengths of gold bars that peaked near the crown of her head also appeared in the same manner as the wings.

As the light faded completely, the boys could see that the girls eyes were as gold as the light that had just passed.
"I'm sorry I ever doubted you" said Jeremy weakly.
The girls eyes then began to change colour, slowly, into a bright, deep blue. The wings and crown could no longer be seen.

The girl looked at Lee. She gave him that warm, judging subtle smile.

Lee hit the ground and blacked out.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lee felt like he was being dragged. He tried to open his eyes, but they were too heavy. He could hear voices.
"What happened!? Is he okay!?".
"Yes, he is. He'll be fine."
"Who are you? Why did he faint?."
"It's a normal reaction when someone meets their own guardian angel."
Lee felt a strange feeling of intense disbelief and shock. He had to open his eyes.
He could see two blurry figures kneeling in front of him.
"Guardian angel!?", thought Lee. "I'm losing my mind!".
"No Lee... You're not going mad. I am your guardian angel."
Lee's eyes came into focus. He'd been dragged onto the platform. There, in front of him was Jeremy and the girl with the pink hair. Jeremy was just staring straight at the girl with a look of intense curiosity and caution. The girl was looking Lee straight in the eye, visibly deeply concerned.
"I knew it! Jeremy! She can read my mind!" yelled Lee.
Jeremy got a shock by Lee's voice and fell over backwards.
"You can read my mind can't you?" Lee asked the girl.
"Still not telling" replied the girl playfully. "You should be careful with what you yell. People may think you're going insane", she said, gesturing to an old couple standing at the door of a train behind her, giving the group a disapproving stare.
"How did you know they were there!?" asked Jeremy. "You didn't even look at them!"
"You ask too many questions... Jeremy Tilson".
With that, Jeremy had to sit down. He walked over to a near-by bench and sat down slowly.
"You should go see how your friend is", said the girl.
Lee got up and slowly maneuvered his unwilling legs over to Jeremy and sat down.
"Dude. She knows my name", said Jeremy in a shocked voice. "I don't know how to take this. It looks like she knows... Everything about you".
"I know", said Lee. "You think you feel uncomfortable? She can read my mind".

The girl slowly walked into view to the left of the guys. She seemed to be scanning the area. She was a little tall for a girl, just a bit under Lee's height. Her large eyes a deep blue, her hair was still pink. She was wearing normal looking clothes, Jeans and a V-neck T-shirt, white runners and a gold bracelet. There was something a little odd about her clothes. Lee couldn't pick it. She was very pretty with a shapely figure and a slender face. Something about her seemed inviting, warm. Her skin was radiant, so much that she seemed to have an aura around her. She couldn't be any more than eighteen.
"The train'll be here in five minutes", she said.
"How do you know that?" asked Lee. "The timetable says it'll be here in fifteen minutes".
"It's early" replied the girl simply and matter-of-factly.
"See?" said Jeremy quietly. "That kind of thing scares me. What else does she know?".
"I know all that I need" said the girl cheerfully.
Jeremy looked at Lee. "How did she hear that from over there?" he whispered.
"I told you, I can hear everything you two say" said the girl happily.
"I think I'll just shut up now". Jeremy looked down at his shoes.
The girl walked up to the guys.
"Come with me" she said softly.
She lead the guys back to the phone booth and pulled out a blank piece of paper.
"What are you doing?" asked Lee.
"You need to give this to the conductor on the train. He'll give it back to you" said the girl while she wrote something down on the paper.
"Wait. On the train? Where are we going?" asked Lee.
"I'm not. You are." replied the girl in an aloof tone. "Just give this to him, and I'll meet you at the other end".
"You're not coming?", asked Jeremy.
"Nope. I like it here. I have something that I need to do."
Jeremy gave Lee an odd look.
"Now come with me" the girl said while giving Lee the paper. "Don't open that till you're on the train... Speaking of the train, here it is".
Not a second after they walked out to the platform, did the train roar into the station. The girl walked up to the edge of the platform.
"Stand next to me" she ordered cheerfully.
The two guys stood either side of her. The train came to a stop slowly and they found themselves standing right in front of a carriage door. The door opened and they saw a man standing there, in the rail conductors uniform.
"Tickets?" he asked.
"Give him the paper" urged the girl gently.
Lee handed the conductor the piece of paper, who proceeded to open it and look at it's contents.
"Ah." he said. "Stop 139".
He handed the paperback to Lee, who saw that there was another one of those pentagram things on it. Confused, he looked at the girl, who smiled and back at the conductor who said;
"Go ahead boys, find a seat".
The carriage was empty. Jeremy got on and found a seat at the back of the carriage. Lee stepped into the train, paused and turned around. The girl was back to scanning, with a smile on her face.
"Hey!" he said.
"Yeah?" replied the girl, looking at Lee with interest.
"What's your name?" Lee asked.
"Aisha" she said and grinned at him as the doors closed.
He stood at the door and watched her as the train pulled away. She went back to scanning the area again. A pillar obscured Lee's view of her. He looked away, towards Jeremy who was sitting in his chair staring straight at him. Lee looked back to the girl.

She wasn't there.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Unless there is any type of demand, this will be the final installment.

 

[L]

feel free to write with sophistication and flair

and by that i mean more than a 10yo

 

[L]

go ahead and be encouraging people

etc etc

 

[GoldEyes]

Lol L, you're such a smartarse.

Very entertaining .

 

[L]

nah i was being serious though

 

[Tangent]

New installation.

Copyright still applies.


Unless there is any type of demand, this will be the final installment.

please can we have more? i like it... you got me hooked

EDIT: i do notice that you are trying to justify some things. You dont have to, you are god in this book, we believe you. So dont worry about the becauses and so this's

keep up the good work

 

[GoldEyes]

New work as of last night:

The train had left the station and suddenly light flooded the carriage, waking Lee out of his daze. He had moved to sit next to Jeremy on the back seat. He looked at Jeremy, who was deep in thought.
"I don't get it", Jeremy said, confused. "Why did she put us on this train? Where are we going?" he asked.
"She didn't tell me... Maybe there's something on this paper" Lee suggested while opening it.

It was just another of those pentagrams. It looked virtually identical to the one he was handed at the bakery, with a few of the characters on the outside re-arranged or erased. He noticed some writing on the bottom of the page that said:
"Hold onto this, you'll need it soon enough".
Wondering what this could mean, he looked out the window. A shadow seemed to come over the carriage, but Lee didn't notice, he was busy thinking about the girl. Aisha.
"Guardian Angel", Lee whispered.
"What?" asked Jeremy.
"Guardian Angels are real... Aisha is my guardian angel".
"Aisha? Is that her name?", Jeremy asked.
"Yeah. She told me as we got on the train."
"Dude, be careful. This could all be a trick. It could be staged. Who ever heard of guardian angels being real? Let alone showing themselves", Jeremy explained skeptically.
"How do you explain those wings? And her eyes changing colour? And her being able to read my mind?" Lee asked.
"Simple. Visual trickery. Being able to read body language".
"Yeah, I guess", replied Lee. "We'll see what happens when we get off".

The shadow that engulfed the train suddenly got darker. Everything now appeared as night.
"What the?" Jeremy said surprised.
Lee looked ahead to try and see where they were headed. He could see something getting closer, something glowing a bright yellow and orange.
"You see this?" he asked Jeremy.
"Yeah..." Jeremy replied. "What's going on out there?".
As they kept traveling, Lee noticed what the light was...

The city appeared to be on fire. Windows of the tall sky scrapers were burning brightly. The remains of houses were smoldering next to the tracks. Ambers lit the sky, and the smoke turned a vicious red.

"This... Can't be real", Jeremy muttered.
"Oh... Yes it can!" came a voice behind the boys. They jumped in their seats and swung around to find the conductor leaning on the back of their chair.
"People really need to stop doing that!" Jeremy said in annoyance.
"This is real", the conductor went on to explain, "But not to you".
"What? What do you mean?" asked Lee.
"This... Is my world. This is what your city has become in my world. This is what I fight to prevent".
Both Lee and Jeremy felt extremely awkward.
"How... Why are we here?", Jeremy asked.
Instantly, the cabin was flooded with light again. The boys squinted against the brightness.
"She wanted to show you" the conductor replied. "Your stop is coming up", he said as he strolled down the isle.
"Why would she want to show us that!?" Lee yelled as the conductor opened the access door on the other end of the cabin.
"She thinks there's still hope. She has ideas. We don't believe they'll work, but we're giving her a chance. She thinks she can help", he said.
"What ideas? Does it involve us?" Lee yelled back, gesturing to himself and Jeremy.
"You be careful with her. She's powerful, and extremely fragile. Her power is in no means infinite. Look after yourselves" the conductor warned as he closed the door behind him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted for Tangent .

 

[xeuyrawp]

Far too much dialogue. Would be a pretty good story, though, I think, if it was fixed.

 

[Kwayera]

When I said it's difficult to read because of the lazy punctuation and grammar, I mean that those things make me NOT want to read it. It's probably a good idea to get into the habit of not being lazy when writing, to save going back and having to edit it so substantially.

 

[GoldEyes]

When I said it's difficult to read because of the lazy punctuation and grammar, I mean that those things make me NOT want to read it. It's probably a good idea to get into the habit of not being lazy when writing, to save going back and having to edit it so substantially.

Each person works differently. If I don't get my ideas down, they go. Hence the lazy punctuation. I kind of like editing it like that anyway (I know I'm odd).

I'll go through and fix it later, when I've hit a block probably.

 

[Kwayera]

It's inefficient. But hey, to each their own.

 

[ClockworkSoldier]

It's inefficient. But hey, to each their own.

Only inefficient if it doesn't work for you .