What would you do? (1 Viewer)

[jhakka]

I don't like the idea of lying to my parents, and similar to Susan, I think that silence is pretty much the same thing.

The problem with telling them (at any time) will be the creation of lots of unecessary hoo-har before, during and after the trip. There will be the possibility of going without your parents approval/stress about what will happen when you get home/what will happen when you tell them (assuming you will tell them after)/and so on.

Similarly, not telling them would have the issue stuck in your head the entire time. Worrying, guilt, etc.

It's not a cool situation. One thing I do suggest is do not back down. You're paying for it yourself, you're going down with your friends, and it was as much your friends as much as you who invited Jason along (ie: "Bring Jason along too, if you like" or equivalent). At worst, tell them that your friends invited him (which is also true).

The haggling thing is done now. You're allowed to go, you've paid for it (down payment at least). You're committed. As far as they can know, there's no way you can back out. Anything else is an issue completely irrelevant to going down in the first place. You've respected them by asking their permission to go down, and now that you are going, what goes on is your business.

I suggest letting them know, but definitely do not back out of going.

 

[ur_inner_child]

I've been going out with him for a 2 years and a half - you go figure...

They like him (as a person) but no matter what they say, they still have issues about the fact that he's my boyfriend.

I'm surprised that you of all people Stef, say dont' tell them, I would have thought that you'd be telling me to take a stand.

Not telling them isnt the passive thing to do. Think of it this way, by doing what I had suggested, you're kind of keeping the peace, as well as understanding your parents. You're not going about it as a "**** you I'm an adult" so you're not entirely disrespecting them, but rather you're letting them loosen the grip in their own time, which is probably the safest way to maintain family peace. (Peace in the sense of your parents as well as yourself).

When it comes to me, well, I took a stand because even though there were things that may have improved, we were still in square one about my life. There's a difference lol.

Anywho, its really up to you... I don't know your parents, but I'll be jeered to know that they approved if you told them the truth. It would be the possible scenario

I think both ways, illustrated by jhakka and I are effective ways, it just depends on whether you want to put up a fight or not... Either case, be prepared, and keep level headed...

 

[loquasagacious]

Tell them he's going and tell them you're going.

You said it yourself, you're almost 20. You are way beyond an age when your parents should or can ground you or otherwise dictate how you lead your life.

Its your life not theirs, you need to realise this and they need to accept this. Wussing out and bowing to their pressures and injuctions is not how you do this, you do this by taking a stand, showing some backbone and telling them that you'll do what you want, which isn't necasserily always going to be what they want and that they need to accept this.

I'd be prepared to move out over it.

 

[ujuphleg]

Tell them he's going and tell them you're going.

You said it yourself, you're almost 20. You are way beyond an age when your parents should or can ground you or otherwise dictate how you lead your life.

Its your life not theirs, you need to realise this and they need to accept this. Wussing out and bowing to their pressures and injuctions is not how you do this, you do this by taking a stand, showing some backbone and telling them that you'll do what you want, which isn't necasserily always going to be what they want and that they need to accept this.

I'd be prepared to move out over it.

They know where I'm going, so that isn't really an issue. The issue is that they would let me go, no problems nada if it was just friends. The possibility that I'll "be with" my boyfriend (whether this has happenned or not already) is what they won't cope with and won't agree with.

I agree with you too, earlier in the year I had the possibility of moving out (but it fell through) If we were to hypotheticaly fast track that oppurtunity 6 months into the future, I would have moved out at the time I was on holiday and thus wouldn't have to answer to them. But see the difference? The issue is that, while I'm living under their roof, whether I like it or not, whether I'm an adult or not, they'll still want to have it their way, because thats what Asian parents do.

Stef, Justin, thanks for the advice. I have to mull over this - and thanks too, to all the people who've voted in the poll but haven't said anything. Its really helping me to make a decision.

 

[iambored]

I had a bit of a think about it and all I can come up with is that I don't think you should outright lie to them. What are you going to do about the photos when you get back? They'll hit the roof and lose all trust for you if they find out you lied to their faces.

I agree with what everyone else has said about you being old enough to make your own decisions and you having to take a stand. I don't know how you can lessen the blow though. Maybe focus on the fact that you're with other friends, you've been with the boyfriend for so long, they already said you can go.

I don't understand how parents live in their own fantasy world sometimes, thinking that you two going on holidays together would make you sleep with him, as if there haven't been any chances in the 2.5 years you've been together

 

[kami]

My advice, while probably worth little, is to simply go and have fun and take your boyfriend along without telling them. Simply because while they are your mother and father, and you do live under their roof they don't own the right to this information or choice so if it will only upset everyone involved then why do it?

And while you could make a stand, what would the point of it be? To force them to give you rights you already possess?

Best of luck whatever you choose Susan.

 

[fitzyred]

Mate, your 19 going on 20. You should by all rights be doing whatever you like (withing reason lol) and not have to gain your parents permission. It's your life, not theirs, so do what you want to do, live a little recklessly as well, even if it is going against your olds. Just go, its that easy, but be honest about it.

 

[flipsyde]

I'm like Justin and Susan. As much and all as I dont get along with my folks, I don't like lying to them. Even if they don't ask and you don't say hes going, its still lying. Nonetheless you could try and just not tell them unless they ask,or... you could do a me and just tell them. Then tell them you're going whether they like it or not. Tell them you're not going to do anythign stupid and you're doing it regarless or their approval and theres nothing that they can do about it.

Tell them that you're going , but you'd rather go with their blessing and that you have been their daughter for almost 20years and that you think that by now you should have earnt their trust to make the right decision (even if you are going to sleep with him thats beside the point cos its the right decision for you.) I don't know your parents but I know you well enough that youre old enough to make the right decision, whether other people think its the right decision not.

Those are the options that you have I reakon. In the end its up to you and you're 19, you can do what you want.

 

[Templar]

What are you going to do about the photos when you get back?

One would hope that they have some understanding of privacy and will not look at them without permission.

I don't know your exact situation with your parents, and I doubt I could give a very decisive conclusion even if I did. I'm between not telling them full stop and telling them after the event. However, if they ask and you lie, then don't tell them at all ever.

Personally, I would tell, but then again, that's only because I know my parents wouldn't care.

 

[Oddy Nocki]

So heres the scenario:

I'll be almost 20 (I'll be turning 20 in March of 2007) and they figured that there was no real reason to say no - I'm paying for the whole thing myself, they won't have to pick me up or drop me off anywhere, NOTHING.

However.

My boyfriend will be coming on the trip with us, and they will have an issue with that. My parents (mother, in particular) is staunchly anti-sex before marriage and believes that I'll be the virgin mary until I'm married. Part of the reason they said No in year 12 was that they thought I'd be taking him along (same boyfriend) The fact that he'll be coming on holiday and potentially sleeping in the same bed as me will virtually guarantee that they'll change their mind.

I've been with this boy for 2 and a half years now so its not a situation that will change.


What would you do in my situation, knowing that telling them would lead to a strong possibility of having them say no to letting me go?

1) Like everyone else said you are an adult do what you want. It's your life not theirs. Sure there afraid you'll make mistakes but that how people learn.

2) It's irrealivent what your parents want, if you want to fuck your brains out cool. If not. That's cool. Just decide what you want and do that. The only wrong choice is the one that is forced upon you.

3) It's really none of their business. If they raised you right, they should have anything to worry about.

4) I think your mother was a hoe (This isn't a jibe at you or your mum) but the fact is most parents who are strongly against something is because the've been down that path and don't want you to.

5) I reckon tell them (truth is always the best option) if they don't let you go. Fuck'em go anyway. You going to let rule your life forever?

Aside: Maybe I'm just ignorate but are the large majority of parent this controlling? Cause this is how a conversation with my mum went:

ME: I'm going overseas.

Mum: Okay, how long? week?

Me: 2 Years, might never come back.

Mum: Whatever, your life.

That was it.

 

[ElGronko]

Don't tell them.

It is their fault for trying to force their beliefs on you.

You are an adult thus you can and should be making your own discussions, it is none of their business.

If they were not so constrictive you would not have to lie to them.

It is sad to see parents like this.

 

[ElGronko]

Aside: Maybe I'm just ignorate but are the large majority of parent this controlling? Cause this is how a conversation with my mum went:

ME: I'm going overseas.

Mum: Okay, how long? week?

Me: 2 Years, might never come back.

Mum: Whatever, your life.

That was it.

My situation is similar, but the conversation would continue:


ME: Mind if I use the credit card linked to your account if i need to?

MUM: Are you going to pay the money back?

ME: I dunno....

MUM: Ok.

 

[ujuphleg]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate what you're saying.

Poll results seem to be a pretty clear division on yes vs. no.

I'll think about this a little more...

 

[*~Dazed~*]

Although i cant really empathise with you, i do sympathise.

That would majorly suck and i dont think you should tell them before you go away. What i think may be a better option, rather than not telling them at all because you have to show them that you have control over your own life, maybe tell them whilst you are up there. So make it a little lie rather than a complete one.

What i suggest is perhaps twisting the story a bit and whilst you are up there, tell them that jason has come down to stay a few nights with you and your mates. That way its too late for them to do anything about it, you are easing them into realising that its your life AND by you volunteering the info to them when you could easily hide it because he just went up later, they may respect and appreciate that and not come down as hard on you.

Worst case scenario they drive down in a fit of rage and force you home

 

[spank_meh]

Worst case scenario they drive down in a fit of rage and force you home

lol.. i think my mum wouldn't go that far

 

[sparkl3z]

So heres the scenario:

I am going on holiday next year with my friends down to the South Coast for a week. After asking my parents for 3 years, they've finally said yes - they didn't let me go in Year 12, or last year, but finally, they've said yes.

I'll be almost 20 (I'll be turning 20 in March of 2007) and they figured that there was no real reason to say no - I'm paying for the whole thing myself, they won't have to pick me up or drop me off anywhere, NOTHING.

However.

My boyfriend will be coming on the trip with us, and they will have an issue with that. My parents (mother, in particular) is staunchly anti-sex before marriage and believes that I'll be the virgin mary until I'm married. Part of the reason they said No in year 12 was that they thought I'd be taking him along (same boyfriend) The fact that he'll be coming on holiday and potentially sleeping in the same bed as me will virtually guarantee that they'll change their mind.

I've been with this boy for 2 and a half years now so its not a situation that will change.


What would you do in my situation, knowing that telling them would lead to a strong possibility of having them say no to letting me go?

well firstly, do you WANT to have sex with him? are you ready? and if not, do you trust yourself enough to control your urges that may arise?
and,
your parents are only looking out for you...i think your parents are actually lenient, mine would not allow me to go anywhere till i'm like 25...even then they'd probably call me every hour lol..anyway i mean like other ppl, it is your life, but remember you only have one family, you need to think of what will happen if you end up fighting with them or whatever, you're not always going to be 20 and your thoughts will change no doubt, yeah legally you are an adult, but that doesnt mean that your parents are just going to stop caring about you..just think carefully....yes if you do something wrong, people learn by accidents, but it's better to go through life without accidents in the first place...oh
and no matter what
DO NOT LIE. if you're going with your boyfriend, tell them you are, even if you end up arguing then, don't lie at all, if you lie it will be worse afterwards, you need to consider your actions not for the moment only, don't forget about the consequences later on.

 

[grk_styl]

I wanted to read a few posts before I thought about it too. A lot of people are saying, "you're twenty years old, you can do whatever you want", but reality is, with parents like Susan's, YOU CAN'T do whatever you want. I have parents like Susan's...actually I have worse parents, who won't even let me get into the car with boyfriend (exhibit A) just so he can get pissed off and leave me.

It's REALLY hard to turn around to controlling parents and say, "I'm 20, let me live my own life". I don't know about Susan's parents, but mine are going to say, "you're 20? big deal. start acting like a twenty year old. as long as your living under my roof, you do what I say! I make all your decisions!"

(believe it or not, my father said that to me a month ago)

The thing is, Susan I don't know you very well, but I know your character. You seem a bit like me. For the last 20 years of your life you have done everything perfect....you have done it all the way your parents want you to do it. But now, you're defying them for your own happiness, and they're shocked. They don't know how to deal with it.

Half of me thinks you should take a stand.

The other half knows how scary controlling parents can be and how hard it is to stand up to them, and thinks you shouldn't tell them.

Not telling them isn't lying. Unless they ask.

What you have to think about is what are the consequences going to be if you tell them? Would thye ever find out that Jason came? If not, then don't worry about telling them. They don't need to know. What they don't know, can't hurt them. So let them continue thinking their daughter is the virgin mary. They don't need to know those sort of details.

Sometimes parents can go over the line between "caring" and "controlling". Thus you need to figure out if they've crossed that line. If they have, then yes, take a stand, especially since you've been dating for 2.5 years. Let your parents know that you're responsible enough not to fall pregnant.

Good luck hun

 

[Komaticom]

If your parents do ask and you lie, you'll be making new lies to cover your previous one, and that never ends.

I voted to tell them after you came back. That way, the fallout will only happen in your home and last a month or less, which is better than having them realise at your wedding and explode their shock and anger in front of other people.

Once you've gone and done it there's nothing your parents can do. They can whine and bitch and lecture you about what a fool you are but apart from that, they're not going to resort to patching up your hymen and hope that "fixes" everything (from their perspective).

 

[Skeeta]

perhaps tell a little white lie or two

say he is working or studying but is coming up for the day (before you go - id assume they're ok with you SEEING him) - if they ask when you get back just say he was tired and didnt want to crash and die so he slept on the couch (after you get back)

 

[Xayma]

I would possibly consider telling them if they asked who was going, but then lie and say you will not be sharing a room (say you are sharing one with a friend if its concievable). But he is a friend after all. You would possibly have a better chance if he is the only boyfriend coming, because you are then less likely to have sex.

Otherwise look at the chances of them finding out.