What would you do? (2 Viewers)

[grk_styl]

do the oppressive parents that you allude to lock their children up if they don't do as they are told? Do they beat their children if they are disobedient? If not then I really cannot see why you are saying that what I said in my edit is unfair. After all, what are the consequences if she straight out tells her parents who she is going with her if they ask?

perhaps not...but there are many things a parent can do to stop a "disobedient" child - well technically an adult. Like I said previously, my parents don't agree with my relationship with my boyfriend so they have put limitations on. Sure I can just say "fuck you" and walk out of the house...they technically cannot lock me in my room. But I just can't do that.

 

[Anonymou5]

Um, they might not lock them up as such, but they are grounded for extended periods of time. At least try to partially understand the context before you comment.

Oh sorry, I didn't know that the resident expert on parent - child relationships was online. In your response you're telling me that "they get grounded..." But in the part of my post which you quoted, I specifically referred to the thread starter. So you know that she gets grounded? If I knew you had such insight into her life I wouldn't have replied. Seriously though, you're just assuming that it's the sort of thing that she experiences. This thread is about her in particular, not about people in general so your anecdotes are really quite useless. At least try to understand the context of the thread before you comment.

I do have a partial understanding of the context, I have parents and have read though this topic. What makes you think that you know more about this topic? I ask this because you certainly appear to think that you do. I have as much right to comment as anyone else and as far you could possibly know, I have at least the same knowledge about this topic as anyone else here mr.expert.

perhaps not...but there are many things a parent can do to stop a "disobedient" child - well technically an adult. Like I said previously, my parents don't agree with my relationship with my boyfriend so they have put limitations on. Sure I can just say "fuck you" and walk out of the house...they technically cannot lock me in my room. But I just can't do that.

What exactly are the "many things" that parents can do? Without knowing the details there's no way of judging the severity of the situation. You see, that is the problem. People aren't being precise and explaining their situation properly and as such, how can helpful advice be expected from strangers? In such cases, people can only express their views on the matter and on other people's advice. So in this kind of situation it is absolutely stupid for someone to criticise someone else simply because they made a comment in this thread.

 

[grk_styl]

What exactly are the "many things" that parents can do? Without knowing the details there's no way of judging the severity of the situation. You see, that is the problem. People aren't being precise and explaining their situation properly and as such, how can helpful advice be expected from strangers? In such cases, people can only express their views on the matter and on other people's advice. So in this kind of situation it is absolutely stupid for someone to criticise someone else simply because they made a comment in this thread.

yes lack of details does make it hard, but it's up to ujuphleg how much she wants to disclose.

the "many things" that parents can do varies. They can make you life a living hell, if they wanted. They can take away privileges. They can make your life so hell that you'd want to move out, but we're uni students, we aren't exactly rolling in money and we're not a part of the Packer family either.

But I guess the thread starter has to weigh out the advantages and disadvantages of telling her parents. Every parent differs. Mine would stand in front of the door and physically not let me go anywhere lol I don't know about others' parents

 

[ElGronko]

Good thread.

 

[Anonymou5]

yes lack of details does make it hard, but it's up to ujuphleg how much she wants to disclose.

That's a given. From that it is also a given that people can only offer views based on what they know of her situation. So a person would need to be a bit stupid to imply that they have more of a right to comment than you.

the "many things" that parents can do varies. They can make you life a living hell, if they wanted. They can take away privileges. They can make your life so hell that you'd want to move out, but we're uni students, we aren't exactly rolling in money and we're not a part of the Packer family either.

But I guess the thread starter has to weigh out the advantages and disadvantages of telling her parents. Every parent differs. Mine would stand in front of the door and physically not let me go anywhere lol I don't know about others' parents

In that case you would need to take your situation into consideration and weigh up the pros and cons as you say. You can't just have anything you want even if it seems so right - life just doesn't work that way.

 

[jhakka]

Anonymou5: If you're so intent on knocking people down for general comments, you probably shouldn't be posting yourself.

Susan started this thread so she could get a number of perspectives from a number of different people. What we have provided is just that, and there is certainly no reason for you to attempt to bring people down with poor arguments about general comments. If she did not want general comments she would not have started the thread.

One thing I can guaruntee that she didn't want was value judgements on her as a person from other users who have no idea about the situation/family context. Your advice was sound, but your comments that followed were either not appropiate or should have been worded more nicely.

 

[ElGronko]

That's a given. From that it is also a given that people can only offer views based on what they know of her situation. So a person would need to be a bit stupid to imply that they have more of a right to comment than you.



In that case you would need to take your situation into consideration and weigh up the pros and cons as you say. You can't just have anything you want even if it seems so right - life just doesn't work that way.

Dude, people have different opinions to you.

In a morals and ethics situation like this there is no one right answer.

Put forward your opinion, disagree with people, give your opinion as to why you think your ideas are more valid, but don't call people ignorant and dismiss what they have to say completely.

You should learn from their point of view.

Especially as you are totally and utter wrong.

 

[Anonymou5]

Dude, people have different opinions to you.

In a morals and ethics situation like this there is no one right answer.

Put forward your opinion, disagree with people, give your opinion as to why you think your ideas are more valid, but don't call people ignorant and dismiss what they have to say completely.

You should learn from their point of view.

Especially as you are totally and utter wrong.

I see no contradiction or double standards whatsoever in your post.

I am not "completely and utterly wrong." I said earlier on that an individual would need to consider their own situation in order to decide on the best thing to do and that is certainly not incorrect. So before you decide to make another unnecessary attack, choose your words more carefully.

Anonymou5: If you're so intent on knocking people down for general comments, you probably shouldn't be posting yourself.

Susan started this thread so she could get a number of perspectives from a number of different people. What we have provided is just that, and there is certainly no reason for you to attempt to bring people down with poor arguments about general comments. If she did not want general comments she would not have started the thread.

One thing I can guaruntee that she didn't want was value judgements on her as a person from other users who have no idea about the situation/family context. Your advice was sound, but your comments that followed were either not appropiate or should have been worded more nicely.

1. If you had actually been reading my previous posts you will have noticed that someone said (wrongly) that I had been passing judgment on people's beavhiour. I responded by explaining that my comment was intended for those who made the general comment 'my life, choice.' Further, I explained that the reason I did so, was to illustrate the fact that such comments do nothing to help the thread starter. You, and others obviously looked over, or rather, ignored that and simply tried to make it seem as if my sole intention was to make others look bad. That is quite untrue and my single comment about 'my life, my choice' being a completely senseless piece of 'advice' did far more (relatively speaking) to help the thread starter than the aforementioned comment.

2. Poor arguments? My posts did not contain arguments. All that was contained were explanations as to what my view on the matter was, and also why certain replies were not helpful at all. Such judgments were necessary to highlight, to the thread starter at the very least, that vague and overly simplistic comments like 'my body, my choice' do nothing to help her out and could potentially add confusion to her situation. Better is to provide precise suggestions and that was the whole point of my earlier posts. However, people decided to take offence and launch unncessary attacks on me becuase they don't think before they reply.

3. Internet. Serious business. My comments (yes that's what they are, not judgments of her) expressed my opinion on what the appropriate action should be. You say that she doesn't want 'value judgments' on her. Then why start a thread on a public forum? If you provide a a public thread then you should expect differing opinions, in particular ones which may not be of your liking. There is a difference between outright insults and expressing an opinion on a particular person based on what limited information you have. I did not cross the line. All I said relates to what I think constitutes a child and what constitutes an adult. I don't see why you need to make it look like it was far more.

 

[ameh]

Don't tell them.

It is their fault for trying to force their beliefs on you.

You are an adult thus you can and should be making your own discussions, it is none of their business.

If they were not so constrictive you would not have to lie to them.

It is sad to see parents like this.[/QUOTE]


I agree with the bold. They don't need to know if you know they can't handle it.
If it helps your conscience, don't sleep with your boyfriend during the trip.

 

[Minai]

Let's not deviate from the topic guys.

What I really wanted to say has been said by others, but I'll say - susan, what are the ramifications if you told them during the trip? Would they ask you who's going like on the day you leave? If so, tell them then, they can't stop you as you are leaving!

Another point is this: (one that has worked for my gf's parents) If you were going to have sex, there have been plenty of opportunities in the past 2.5 years to have done so.

Or - tell them you HAVE had sex before (perhaps not so directly, but imply it), what possible reason could they have then? You've lost your virginity, and it can't be recovered, so there's no reason that you can't go with your boyfriend.

 

[ameh]

Mine would stand in front of the door and physically not let me go anywhere lol I don't know about others' parents

Yeah, that sounds familiar.



<3 Greek n Asian rents.

 

[jellybeenz]

Hey! Aussie parents do it too... like mine...

I'm seriously conflicted for you, I don't know if I would tell my parents... I don't tell them a lot of the things that I do, or at least I lie about the circumstances in which I do them. I've found things are a lot better this year, once I started "telling" my parents I'm doing things rather than asking. It wasn't in a disrespectful way either.... just changed the words a little "hey mum, I'm going out on Saturday night"... rather than my usual "hey mum, some people are thinking of going out on Saturday night, I was thinking of going, is that okay?"

I sympathise, I really do, my parents are a lot more restrictive than a lot of other peoples parents, but they have eased up a lot this year and surprised the hell out of me by allowing me to go on a holiday in the break with my uni friends who they have never met (and are mostly boys) without any argument- considering the arguments over schoolies and whether they would let me go to formal, this is a 360 turnaround.

I wouldn't tell your parents on the day you are leaving, it just makes them mad that you have concealed it from them for so long and are choosing the most manipulative moment to reveal it. I know my parents would react horribly to that. I say if you are going to tell them, tell them beforehand, the best way to do it is to act as if its no big deal- tell them who is going and mention him- don't sit them down and have a talk about jason going because it looks suspicious.......

If you don't tell them, well thats all well and good. Just hide the photos when you get back, just like I hide every photo of anyone my age in the presence of alcohol.

 

[ujuphleg]

Wow!! like wow!!

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply to this thread, it really means a lot to me (and thanks to Justin, Egronk, Templar etc. for defending me while I haven't been here) I never thought that I'd get this many replies in 2 days!!

Ok, to reiterate a few points:

1. This isn't a discussion about me having sex (whether I have or not is irrelevant) the discussion is about whether I should tell my parents that my boyfriend is coming on holiday with me KNOWING full well that they WILL NOT LIKE IT AT ALL.
2. The fact that my parents can say yes or no to whether I go should be taken into consideration, and that I will respect what they say.
3. Telling them will probably lead to them doing everything in their power to try and make me not go (even if they don't flip out completley)

That i suggest is perhaps twisting the story a bit and whilst you are up there, tell them that jason has come down to stay a few nights with you and your mates.... Worst case scenario they drive down in a fit of rage and force you home.

They probably still won't like that at all. But I will consider that. Thanks. (and yes, they would be VERY likely to do what you just said, driving all the way down etc.)

do you WANT to have sex with him? are you ready? and if not, do you trust yourself enough to control your urges that may arise?

This has nothing to do with anything. I am asking as to whether you would go on holiday, knowing you parents will flip out if you boyfriend comes along. What you do on the holiday has nothing to do with the discussion... but thanks for your input anyway. You are right, they could be a lot worse (ie. not letting me go at all) but they could also be a lot better (letting me go with other people to Schoolies which wasn't on the Gold Coast was just with a few friends.)

A lot of people are saying, "you're twenty years old, you can do whatever you want", but reality is, with parents like Susan's, YOU CAN'T do whatever you want.... It's REALLY hard to turn around to controlling parents and say, "I'm 20, let me live my own life"...

Would thye ever find out that Jason came? If not, then don't worry about telling them. They don't need to know. What they don't know, can't hurt them. So let them continue thinking their daughter is the virgin mary. They don't need to know those sort of details.

Yes, exactamondo. (to the first part)

To the second... well I could keep it from them. But that would involve lying and lying and lying even more. In a way I keep on thinking maybe I should, LET THEM CATCH ME OUT and then turn around and say, well, I knew you would flip out if I told you, thats why I didn't. You are, effectively, forcing me to lie, by not trusting me to make my own decisions.

You've given me food for thought there Jem... Thanks!

If your parents do ask and you lie, you'll be making new lies to cover your previous one, and that never ends.

Yeah, exactly. But like I said above, that might end up being a good thing? I dunno, we'll think about it... thanks anyhoo.

say he is working or studying but is coming up for the day (before you go - id assume they're ok with you SEEING him) - if they ask when you get back just say he was tired and didnt want to crash and die so he slept on the couch (after you get back)/quote]

But I'm not a good liar (when it comes to things like that) and furthermore, even the fact that he could have been sleeping near me will cause problems. They haven't let him stay over here, even when we've arrived back at 3 in the morning after new years eve (and the poor boy had to drive a further hour to get home.... )

Thanks for trying anyway. I really do appreciate that everyone has bothered to reply!!

I would possibly consider telling them if they asked who was going, but then lie and say you will not be sharing a room (say you are sharing one with a friend if its concievable). But he is a friend after all. You would possibly have a better chance if he is the only boyfriend coming, because you are then less likely to have sex.

Well he's not, he's one of 3 boyfriends coming, and 1 of 6 guys (the other 3 are single at the moment)

I definatley won't tell them I'm sharing a room even if I do tell them he's going. I should have stipulated that as a given. The problem is, they'd still have issues that he was coming with us.

I'd tell them, then when they object say "Well if I just wanted to have sex I could do 10000 things cheaper than this. This is about wanting a holiday, not about sex, stop controlling me and get the fuck out of my country."

Then slam a door or something for dramatic effect.

A scenario I've always dreamed of, but would yield really bad results. Thanks, but that would be tantamount to suicide and is the quickest was of getting a no no no no and no.

Lie to them, then tell them when you get back.

Reiterate the fact that you wouldn't have lied if they weren't so possessive of you.

This is the only way it is going to end.

I am serious, you need to make them understand.


Please please please go on this holiday, for your sake. I can't bare to think about people not doing these normal things, that they will enjoy because of bullshit situations.

No matter what happens, whether you tell them or not, go on the fucking trip.

Hmm.... your way does seem to be, so far, the best way.... Will give it serious consideration. Thanks!!

Honestly, some of you don't seem to appreciate anything your parents have done for you. It's not as simple as "it's my body and my life". You owe them a lot, and you'll never be able to pay off that debt. The least they deserve is the truth.

Oh but I do. Thats why I have this conundrum. If I didn't care about what my parents think, I'd say, fuck you, Jasons coming with me, we're going to have lots of orgyastic sex with the other two couples coming and theres nothing in all fuck you can do about it.

But I'm not am I? But I know they'll flip out if I do tell them. Thats why I'm asking this question yes?

With regards to the holiday you're right, if she's paying for it then her parents shouldn't have much of a say about what she does on her trip. But I think that the least she could do is tell her parents who is accompanying her. It doesn't matter whether or not they agree with what she plans to do. It would be quite spineless for her to not even tell her parents if they ask her - telling them is the least she could do if she still lives in their home.

Don't tell me I'm spineless, you don't know me and you sure as hell do not know what my parents are like. You fucking try and tell my parents that you're going on holiday with your boyfriend/girlfriend and see what the reaction is.

With regards to telling them, because I owe them the truth, I agree with you. Thats why this thread exists in the first place. But please don't make personality judgements about me.

Btw is the basis of her worry just because she does not want you have sex, or is there an entirely different reason eg. doesnt like your bf (even though youve been going out so long!], is scared of 'losing you' etc... because if theres another problem, maybe you could sort things out through that!

I think its sex. But you could be right too.... hmmm...thanks!

After all, what are the consequences if she straight out tells her parents who she is going with her if they ask?

That they won't let me go. I'll have to pull a James Bond, espionage, jump into the car with parents screaming out to me kind of deal to go. Who wants that? I sure as hell don't. It'll wake the neighbours for starters.

Perhaps its more mature of her to consider her choices and how they will affect her and her family rather than initiate a confrontation without regard to time and place that possibly will result in nothing except upset for all.

Well yeah, thats why I'm asking the questin. Thanks Evan

What I really wanted to say has been said by others, but I'll say - susan, what are the ramifications if you told them during the trip? Would they ask you who's going like on the day you leave? If so, tell them then, they can't stop you as you are leaving!

Well yeah, thats what I was thinking of. Kinda " Bye Mum! Bye Dad! Love you both! By the way Jason is coming along with us!" *slam car door and drive off*

But I don't think that would go down too well either. My mobile would ring non-stop for at least an hour to start with. And they will be hell to pay when I get back, especially leaving them to stew for a week by themselves. At least if I told them in advance, I'd be able to weather the damage a bit.

Or - tell them you HAVE had sex before (perhaps not so directly, but imply it), what possible reason could they have then? You've lost your virginity, and it can't be recovered, so there's no reason that you can't go with your boyfriend.

Wow, that would be even worse. I see your point, and it makes really good logic, but you too should know that Asian parents =/= logic.

I sympathise, I really do, my parents are a lot more restrictive than a lot of other peoples parents, but they have eased up a lot this year and surprised the hell out of me by allowing me to go on a holiday in the break with my uni friends who they have never met (and are mostly boys) without any argument- considering the arguments over schoolies and whether they would let me go to formal, this is a 360 turnaround.

Yeah I understand too, them letting me go is a HUGE turnaround cos like yours they didn't let me go to schoolies either.

, but you're a young woman now, not a young girl..........you know, one day you'll get married and shit. you're already turning 20, at what point do you say enough's enough.........time for your parents to let go a bit

I know that, believe me, I know!! But you are right, they do have to let go...and they have a lot already. But its just that little bit extra...

Thanks again to all those who have provided their opinion, I really appreciate it so much!! <3 to all

 

[ElGronko]

I see no contradiction or double standards whatsoever in your post.

I am not "completely and utterly wrong." I said earlier on that an individual would need to consider their own situation in order to decide on the best thing to do and that is certainly not incorrect. So before you decide to make another unnecessary attack, choose your words more carefully.

That last line was a joke gronk.

Although I knew as I was typing it that you have already displayed a total lack of a sense of humour, but I thought "fuck it, i'll post it anyway".

Die slow.

 

[green_fairy]

Its a really tough one and yeah its not about age and what you should/shouldnt be doing its about your own personal relationship with your parents and how you feel and relate to them. Have you ever told kinda big lies to them before? how did you cope with that? its a tricky situation with no solid outcome. on the one hand you could tell them and risk not being able to go and a shit-long lecture and the whole "we're so disappointed in you" speech or on the other you could not tell them and then spend the whole time away stressing that they'll somehow find out. in the end its up to you good luck

 

[jhakka]

Plan B. Throw Jason in the list of who is going somewhere in the middle, and brush over himreally quick when you tell them.

 

[ElGronko]

Plan B. Throw Jason in the list of who is going somewhere in the middle, and brush over himreally quick when you tell them.

eg. "These are the things i am taking; sleeping bag, pillow case, 5 pairs of underwear, Jason, toothbrush, woolly jumper etc."

 

[ujuphleg]

Plan B. Throw Jason in the list of who is going somewhere in the middle, and brush over himreally quick when you tell them.

Well yeah, this was a plan as well... they'll pick up on it I'm sure.

eg. "These are the things i am taking; sleeping bag, pillow case, 5 pairs of underwear, Jason, toothbrush, woolly jumper etc."

Haha!! <3 Raph!

 

[ur_inner_child]

HEYYYY

do what jhakka suggested but say Jason MIGHT be going and see their reaction. Say something casual as in "oh, it depends if his work lets him" or something

Then work out what to do next judging from that reaction.

 

[Serius]

you people have helecopter parents
http://www.sptimes.com/2006/06/19/S...my_profes.shtml

my parents basically let me do whatever i want within reason